Friends

I don't know why I keep thinking my friends from high school will always be there for me, when time and time again they've proven to be absolute a-holes. Not all of them, of course. It seems the ones closest to me are now the farthest from me. Why do I let that bother me? I'm really trying to let it go, but what kind of person am I that my only friends are people I know through my husband or the girls I met in the year and half I've worked at Home Nursing Agency?

The one I call my "best friend" just had a birthday party for her one-year-old. With her moving to and from Tukey for the past few years, we haven't had much time to hang out. She missed my wedding because she was in Turkey, but I was able to go to hers. The only reason we started hanging out more recently was her crazy sister sent me horrible messages on Facebook that made me cry for a few hours straight. I took some personal days so I wouldn't lose them at the end of the year and texted her, but never heard back. Last night, I signed on to Facebook (where I've only added a few selective people) and saw pictures from her kid's birthday party. Granted, I was most likely working (as that's what I'm doing now), but I was a little upset that I wasn't invited or even told about it.

The clincher was the pictures of her, her pregnant crazy sister, my ex-best friend (who has a daughter), and another girl we went to school with (who is pregnant to guy #3 and has two kids to two other guys) and everyone's commenting, "Look at the beautiful mothers gathered!" Is that why I wasn't invited? I'm not a mom? I go to Damian's and Chassity's parties when they have them at Chuckie Cheese's. So what I don't have kids to play with stuff there.

Chris pointed out that she may not have invited me because of my ex-bff being there, but still, she could've sent me a text or something. Originally last night, I had my Blogger app open on my phone and was desperately hacking out this post with my thumbs, but Chris came up and asked what I was doing and I lost it. I cried for a bit, he cheered me up, and I deleted what I had written. But it's still bothering me today and I wanted to write about it.

The doctor put me on metformin (which I kinda figured he would) after I had made an appointment because it felt like there was a bowling ball sitting on my bladder. I was afraid I was getting gigantic cysts that would explode or something. He said he couldn't feel any cysts (but my insides cried all day after that) and prescribed metformin. He also switched my Clomid to a lower dose for when I'm on the met. I had just finished my 100 mg Clomid packet before I saw him, so in about a week, I'll be taking the 50 mg again. Chris thinks I should try to lose weight and that has crossed my mind as well. Even though, my "girl part" troubles started when I was 16 and weighed 125, it wouldn't hurt to try to slim down a bit. I was looking at some DVDs on Amazon, Yoga for Fertility and such. I don't know; I get in the mood to do stuff to improve myself, but then I sit back and think, "Why?" Why would I ever think it would help? Why do I start things and never finish? Why do I have no will power?

Shampoo issues

I should've just kept using Tressemme. But no. I had to try something new. I bought the Honey I'm Strong line from Herbal Essence and it made my hair feel like crap. Then I bought Head and Shoulders Smooth and Silky. After two uses there was significant build up. Ugh. So I went back to the store and got some Tressemme Deep Cleansing and washed my hair in the kitchen sink at 3 in the morning. I should've washed it twice because it's still gross. The pic is me using a paper clip to hold my greasy bangs back.

Doctor visit fun

I had to make an appointment with my doc to get refills. (Oh, apparently Prozac is an SSRI and I had no idea. I feel like a total moron.) Anyway, while I was there I mentioned all my joint pain. Right hand, right shoulder, left elbow. These really random places I'm getting "tendonitis". She asked who told me I had tendonitis; I said the doctor I normally see (she was a PA). She referred me to one of the orthopods that make visits to that office because he would be more knowledgeable. I was happy about that...until the appointment.

He was a nice guy, down to earth, funny...but he totally misunderstood the whole reason I was there. I was hoping to get referred for physical therapy to get exercises I could do that won't hurt me somehow. Instead, he showed me a few stretches and told me to do push ups off a wall. I mentioned my fibrous dysplasia (along with my fear of bone pain and fractures) and asked, "Do you know what that is?" because most people don't; the ER docs took four hours to figure it out. He said, "Yeah, exercise will help your flare ups." I didn't realize at that time (because I have a tendency to turn into a complete idiot when I'm at the doctor's) but he totally thought I said fibromyalgia, which is completely different.

I wish I could call the office up and be like, "Look, give Dr. What's-his-name a message: I said fibrous dysplasia not fibromyalgia, so give me the right treatment." And then I think, why should I have to quality check my doctor's decisions? Why should I have to keep calling around trying to find someone who knows what's wrong with me? It's very frustrating.

I'm on my seventh month of Clomid. Thinking about taking a break for a bit. Got some work things going on and it would be nice not to have to pluck my chin every other day. I also think I'm getting a bunch of cysts on my ovaries. I have pinching pains every once in a while in my abdomen and I feel constantly full down there...and no, it's not just my fat.

I don't know what to do exercise wise. Now my knees have been bothering me. They've always popped; all my life I could crack my knees. But now they feel unstable, there's grinding and other noises when I go down stairs. I've never been able to rest on my knees, it hurts too much. I've always thought my knee cap was too small. It's like the size of a quarter. I dunno. I'm scared to try to jog. Guess I could just go back to the treadmill, but everyone says that's bad for your knees, too. I think I'm just destined to be fat and out of shape forever. And it's a vicious cycle, because if I would lose weight, my knees would probably feel better. Oh well.

Proud of My Size Link-Up

I still care about nails

I took a break from nail polish for a while because nothing would stay on.  Even a clear coat came off the very next day (and I'm a picker; if it chips, it's gone).  I started thinking about what I was doing differently: I've been using OPI's Natural Nail Base Coat and Seche Vite top coat.  I dug around in my nail drawer and found I still have some base coat left in my bottle of Orly's rubberized base coat so I painted my nails using that.  That was Saturday or Sunday and I've only just now noticed a chip.  I think I'll be going back to Sally's to get another bottle of Orly!

Deactivated facebook

As of last night, I have deactivated my facebook.  Why? you ask.  Because I am naive.  I though all my former classmates and acquaintances would be mature, non-obtrusive, and supportive of me.  I was very wrong.  It's high school all over again.  I got a message from a former classmate complaining to me about things someone told her I said about pregnant women, and she took it personally.  She went on to say how wrong I was to not like her just because she got pregnant, and I have no idea how long it took someone to get pregnant.  Yadda, yadda, long message short, she was just letting me know how big a piece of shit I am for deleting her.  I replied that just because I delete someone on facebook doesn't mean I don't want to be friends with them, I just don't want to see the baby posts.  Do you know how hard it is to see people posting their positive pregnancy tests when every pregnancy test you took (for 5+ years) was negative?  I tried to explain that it's my problem, no one else's and it's my issues, no one else's, and that I never said anything bad about any of my pregnant friends.  She replied that two people on two separate occasions told her about my posts (which were just that I was deleting pregnant friends and I shared an inspiration picture with a friend of mine who also has trouble getting pregnant).  Awesome.  So, two someones on my freaking friends list made it a point to tell my newly-pregnant classmate that I, basically, hate her.

I was dead wrong in thinking people would understand why I was deleting my pregnant friends.  They don't.  They just judged me.  I'm a huge piece of shit because I can't handle seeing people I don't talk to anymore posting their pregnancy feeds.  Well, blow me.

Book titles

Not sure if I ever mentioned this before but I was in a theater watching the previews (it might have been before The Hang Over?) and this preview comes on that starts describing my book. Chris looked over at me and laughed but I just sat there in awe. The only difference was the main character was a guy instead of a girl. What movie was it? 17 Again. I was like, "Wow, I guess I can't use that title now!" It would have fit my story perfectly, too. I was so sad. I ended up deciding on Kayla's Second Chance, but I feel like I got gypped…by a movie that's not even that popular.

Bad bone days

Lots of pain this past week.  I was thinking the other day that my chest hasn't hurt in a while, so of course it had to start hurting.  Now my legs are beginning to ache.  Maybe it's the weather?  The past few days it's looked like it's going to storm, but doesn't.  Today, it actually did rain and thunder a bit, but nothing too big.  We haven't had a storm this year that knocks the power out.  I know other people have in different parts of the city and up the mountain (of course), but Juniata's missed it so far.

I remember one night when I was dating Chris, I left his house in a storm and when I got to Juniata there wasn't one light on.  All the streetlights and stoplights were out.  It was eerily dark.  I had to use my phone to see to go in the house and to my room.

I am so tired.  I woke up with a migraine, barely choked down a Slimfast, went to get blood work done, and then mom dropped me at work.  I took three Top Care Migraine Formula pills (they still haven't put Excedrin back on the shelves?) and then my blood sugar crashed.  At least my migraine went away!  But now that I've eaten, I'm sleepy.  And my legs hurt.  Is it Friday yet?

Twitter is dumb

So, starting the submission process again.  It seems like it should be easy; type up a synopsis, make up a query letter, blahdy blah, hit send, and done.  Nope.  I spent a few hours yesterday working on my whole "package" and only did one submission (I think).  I got some suggestions for my query letter from a publisher who, after reading their multiple blogs, I decided I did not want to go with.  I am a laid back person; I try not to be stuck up.  I can not submit my "baby" to a stuck up publisher.

Anyway, I had taken their suggestion of putting a biography of sorts in the query letter.  An editor sent me an email tonight and told me to leave that part off.  So there, stuck up publisher!  I thanked her.  I really do appreciate feedback.  Normally, I feel like my emails and queries go off into cyber space and float around forever.

I've also gone back to Twitter.  Good Lord, I hate that place.  My home page looks like someone took a Scrabble bag of letters and dumped in on the floor. @ this and # that.

If anyone wants a good read, Google the Freeh report on Sandusky.  I'm on page 80-something of 267.  It's just unbelievable how the people in charge just kept putting it off and putting it off.  At one point, they pretty much admit in an email that they might get in trouble for not reporting the incidents.

Right now, I'm just trying to put off running to Sheetz for Chris.  I'm always sent on the Sheetz runs.  I should make him go.  The car is set for him.

Nail polish!

http://blog.julep.com/~cd4fcd51d410a48

Scotch tape manicure

Well, thanks to Pinterest, I'm obsessed with doing nails again.  Where was Pinterest when I was a nail tech?  Anyway, I did the sponge ombre gradient that's pretty popular, but I wasn't too happy with it.  I'm going to try to find different sponges next time.  My makeup sponge was a little too thick and heavy.

This time, I did the Scotch tape manicure, although I recommend doing it without tape.  Maybe I was using the wrong kind of tape?  I was definitely waiting long enough for my nails to dry (without waiting a day, that is) but taking the tape off really effed them up.  Especially after the second pink color; it pulled off both layers.  Unless you have a few days to kill (and even then, I'm not sure the tape wouldn't pull some polish off), I recommend just free-handing it.  I know for the OPI colors I used for the stripes, their professional wide brush made it super easy to get a nice line.  I'm not sure how it would work with other brands, but I'm sure after some practice it would be fine.  I've done free-hand French manicures for all of my nail technician career (and the years after) so I do have some practice.

I also picked up a brush to make a better line at the cuticle.  Seven or eight years ago when I was hired at some rinky-dink salon the nail tech there used a brush and I thought she was weird.  After using it the other night, though, it does make a better line at the cuticle than a orange wood stick and cotton.  Cotton on a stick works better for getting polish off the sides and tips of fingers, though (if you have short nails like me and overshoot the ends of your nails).

Essie Fiji [Essie Nail Polish - Pinks/Roses (Google Affiliate Ad)] at base, OPI Pinking of You for the first stripe, and OPI Kiss me on my Tulips for the second stripe.  I do love pink.  :)

Got my pink hair back!

A little peeved

At least four girls on my facebook friends list are pregnant.  I'm seriously considering deleting them.  I just can't handle it any more.  "Oops, look at this!  Ha ha, I'm pregnant!  I had no idea!  We weren't even trying!"  Vomit.

Don't listen to anyone who says that life is fair.  It's not.  There's good luck and bad luck.  Some people just end up on the bad luck end of things.

Tornado

I had a wonderful dream last night.  Why was it wonderful?  I'm not sure.  Me and a group of friends were at the beach and a hurricane was coming.  (Well, because it was the shore, it should've been a hurricane,) but in my dream I saw a twister.  We were standing really close to it and rain was pouring down, but people were still walking around and going about their business.  Just as the twister was going to hit us, it dissipated.  We started walking down the main street to a restaurant and we spotted another one.  Hurriedly, we rushed into the nearest eatery (which was full) and were seated.  I remember thinking, "The ocean is right at our back, we are in a lot of danger," but I wasn't scared.  My ex-best friend was there and she ordered a strawberry margarita.  I ordered one too (not to be out done) and the two other girls with us got ginger ale.  The owner of the restaurant waited on us and he asked for our I.D.  He made a comment that he was glad we were over 21 and not joking about the drinks because he'd have to go back to the kitchen and change the order and it gave them problems with their taxes (?).  But our two friends left before the drinks came because they wanted to get somewhere safer.  I looked around and saw everyone else eating normally in the restaurant and said, "We're safe here.  This is the safest place.  Everyone else is here because it's safe."  They left anyway and I was stuck wondering what I was going to talk to my ex-bff about.

I seem to have a lot of dreams about her, actually.  Where she'll call me up out of the blue and want to hang out.  That's happened before, when we had our smaller fights.  This dream was probably brought on by my seeing her facebook posts about being hungover and such...and she has a kid now.

I could punch someone.  There's just so many things not right with the world.  Everyone and their sister can get pregnant but me.

Touch of a cold

I have a touch of a cold...just a touch.  Stuffy/runny nose and my throat was a tad sore.  It's one of those things where it's hard to tell if it's a cold or really bad allergies.  For me, there's not too much of a difference.  I have been taking my generic Zyrtec, but I need to get to a pharmacy and pick up sudafed...the REAL stuff...that you have to swipe your I.D. to get.  That's the only thing that opens my nose besides a Breath Rite, but I used my last one of those last night.

This is my week to take Damian to school again, so I'm dead tired.  I had trouble getting him to go into the classroom today.  After calling my mom a few times and Damian talking to her on my phone, we eventually got out of him that he was scared of the student who was greeting the kids at the door (his preschool is part of a high school child care class).  I walked over to her, phone in hand, and asked her nicely to leave and let me give Damian the attendance stamp and just then these two official looking guys stopped me.  One said (in a way too serious tone), "Why were you on your cell phone?"  I was stupified.  I was pointing to Damian and stammering; the student was trying to explain what was going on.  Finally, the other guy with him was like, "Oh, are you a parent?"  I laughed.  They thought I was a student!  I said, "Well, I'm not a parent, but I'm dropping my nephew off."  They appologized, told me to take it as a compliment, and moved on.

Zomg...snore...

It's starting to rain.  I was wondering why my joints were fighting with me yesterday and today.  I'm so sleepy!  Perfect nap weather!  Plus, I haven't had any caffeine today.

The internet got shut off at our house.  Apparently, I forgot to pay it for two months!  Yay!  Chris gets paid tomorrow, so we'll get it turned back on then.  That + rent = not a lot of money left from his pay check.  My next check (the day after my birthday no less) will go mostly to my car payment, hooray.  Two more years.  Just two more years to pay on the car and I'm done!

I came to the horrible realization yesterday that not only did I not pay the internet bill, I think we're a month behind on the water, gas, and I totally forgot all about my student loan payments.  =|  I signed some petition going around online to forgive everyone their student loans and now I'm on some Liberal emailing list.  Oh well.

Don't even get me started on the medical bills I'm getting now.  I had labs drawn and got three bills in the mail for them.  Why do I even have health insurance?  Annoying. 

Thinking about doing my own Pinterest-image-do-it-yourself collage for painting your nails.  (While I normally hate the "instructional" photo collages, I think I can make one that makes sense.)  Some girls on there are posting pics of nail polish and they haven't even cleaned up around the cuticles.  So, I figured I'd make my DIY thing for painting and then cleaning up around the nail.

Still go back and forth about declaring bankruptcy.  I guess it takes like $900 (?) to do it.  Well, if I had $900, I could pay off two of my credit cards and then only one would be left.  Retarded.

Updates on my totally interesting life

Finally did something with my hair.  Not sure if I mentioned that I dyed it black, but on my day off I walked to Holiday Hair and got layers put in.  She also talked me into a conditioning treatment (it was on sale) and I bought a detangler, too.  Even though I got it trimmed (and cut some shorter layers in it) everyone at work thinks it looks longer.

I went to Walmart yesterday and bought stuff I didn't need.  Yay.  Is there some kind of counseling for that?  Anyway, I could've spent a lot more, but I kept putting things back.  I put back some under eye cream (which I probably should've kept), nail polish, and various eye shadows (I'm scared to start using eye shadow!  I don't know how to apply it!).

I tried to get rid of my BlackBerry.  I called Verizon to see if they would let me upgrade early (tried to use the "my birthday is coming up" line, but they weren't having it).  I found a couple cool phones on ebay and bid on them and at the very last second was outbid.  So sad.  Guess I'm stuck with my BB til Sept. or so.  The chick at Verizon was like, "Oh, don't you like your BB?" and I said, "Try finding apps for a BB.  1 out of every 100 apps made is for BB.  The rest are for iphone or Android."  Stupid people with their stupid fancy, touch-screen phones.  My BB doesn't even have a touch screen, people!

Nail polish give-a-way!

My dream come true!  http://primandpolished.blogspot.com/2012/04/birthday-giveaway.html

Pilates from Hell

Yeah...can't use any of my muscles right now...

But it is my goal to finish this work out!  (That is correct!  I have yet to finish it!)

One step forward, two steps back

Well, I missed the "official" Employee Health weigh in.  I need to stop at the corporate offices to get weighed some time.  Getting a little discouraged that the scale isn't moving.  Still can't squeeze into my AE jeans that I miss wearing.  =(  Here's a comparison photo, though:

I guess there's a little change...and not just my hair color and style or makeup...though that is part of it; and Chris pointed out the pic was taken at two different angles.  Whatever.  I think I need to get back to my yoga for weight loss DVD.  I can't decide if I'm eating too many calories or not enough.

I was talking about my finger/hand rash (btw, did I mention the doctor told me what it was?  Dishydrotic eczema...and I got a ginormous tube of steroid cream for it:

Crazy, right?  If the derm wouldn't have given me a card for it to be free, it would've been $600...or so said the pharmacist).  Anyway, what was I saying?  Oh yeah, I was talking about it at work and saying how I don't think the steroid cream/Vaseline/white gloves routine is working.  My boss said she has it too and that hand sanitizer helps hers and hers is an autoimmune thing.  A nurse I work with was in on the convo and said, "I think Mary has an autoimmune disorder undiagnosed."  So I did some Googling for autoimmune and amenorrhea.  I found some scary things, people.  Scary things.  I did, however, make an appointment to talk to the "head" gyno at my new office about my getting pregnant.  That's on the 18th.  *fingers crossed for answers!*

I cannot get into the new book I'm working on.  Like The Midst (that I redid for NaNoWriMo), it's a story I had written before (and actually finished it!) but now realize sucked, so I want to rework it.  I just can't get into the groove for some reason.

I was glad when the calls from debt collectors stopped, but now I'm getting letters from lawyers.  I wish I could tell all these people that I owe money to, "Look, I do want to pay you back.  I HATE having this hang over my head, but credit card bills are not on my priority list...it goes car payment, groceries, water, electricity, gas, internet, Dish, and other crap.  Cat food goes in there somewhere.  UGH.  And I think my student loan payments are due again.  Someone remind me to call them.  =\

5 minutes

5 minutes until we log the phones out.

Today is a bad bone day.  My hand, chest, hip, and back are bothering me.  BALLS, I just realized I forgot to take my Vitex.  *sigh*  I also cannot think straight today.  It's definitely time for me to go home.

Chris started work again today.  I probably won't see him tonight; I have to take Damian to preschool tomorrow through Thursday.  I thought about walking to work today, but Chris dropped me off.  I think it's going to rain tomorrow...at least, that's what my bones feel like it's going to do.

I was a walking feind this weekend...probably part of the reason I hurt.  I bought some biotin and have been taking that along with a multi-vitamin w/ iron, Vitex, and calcium +D3 and I actually think it's helping me walk longer on the treadmill and not get so tired.

One minute...gotta run!

I'd be dangerous if I could remember stuff

I was going to blog about something profound...and I just rememberd it!

I think my brain is having a memory dump.  All this week tiny, stupid things are bringing back memories of all kinds of crap.  Ocean City, MD.  Bible conferences of the past.  My old Teen magazines.  It's like I'm getting little glimpses of them as my brain throws them away.  (Case in point, I can't remember the flash-backs from ealier this week.)

My blood tests all came back normal.  I'm officially a medical mystery.  Chris goes back to work on Monday, so I think I'll make another appointment and say, "Listen, I need to know why my girl parts don't work.  I'm going to be 29 in May!  Time is running out!"

My sister is trying to organize a protest of sorts at our local circus that comes around every year (they still have animals).  There was an event created for it on facebook and....well, all I can say is that my faith in the collective intellegence of human kind is failing.  Retards are on the event saying, "Don't protest the Shriners!  They help kids with cancer!".  Hey, dumb asses, we're against the circus, hence the "Circus" part of the event.  Ugh, so just a bunch of dumb arguments errupted and people leaving retarded comments......maybe they should perform in the circus instead of the animals.  That would make a statement, eh?

People are stupid.

Stuck

Since I've "lost" the initial 15 pounds of this weight-loss challenge, I haven't lost any more.  I tried to incorporate jogging into my treadmill workouts, but my lower legs get tired too easily (I later came to realize these are called "shin splints"? and happen because my feet are flat).  I did belly dancing last night and remembered why I tried to give the DVD away the first time.

I've been reading through the message boards on MyFitnessPal.com and taking a look at what other girls with PCOS (which is still undetermined if I have it or not) are doing about getting stuck in their weight loss.  Some suggest cinnamon, others chromium.  A few suggested Vitex; it's a supplement that stimulates progestin...progesterone?  I can never remember what that hormone is.  I had my parents pick me up a bottle and this is my second day taking it.

I was going to do yoga or something tonight, but as the day goes on, my leg bones hurt more and more.  It came on suddenly.  I just popped three ibuprofen; I really do not want to move my legs at all.  I'm also cramping, but I can't tell if it's the Vitex working or if I'm just going to have to poop later.  =\

A theory one girl on the message boards had for my leg tireness and shin splints was my shoes.  I do need new shoes, but I know I'll never have the money to buy them.  I don't even have money to pay bills most of the time.

Went to a new gyno the other day and they did some blood tests.  I'm hoping they get back to me pretty soon with some kind of answers.  Whether it's just putting me back on Metformin or what, I need to get a move on.  We were looking up this fertility clinic near us today at work and 35 is the magic number.  They pretty much want you to use donor eggs after 35.  So I have 6 years to try and pop out however many kids Chris and I want.

Down "15 pounds"...we'll see

Down 15 pounds since the weigh in.  I think I'm losing fat on my ribs...or someplace else stupid like that.  No, my measurments (hip and waist) went down an inch.  I was going to rest today, but it is sooooo freakin' nice out.  I'm going to walk with Mom, Chassity, and Damian.

Still working on my "Adrienne" story, getting it ready to send to publishers.  I need to get it done and start on my newest one.  Between that, painting my nails, exercise, and playing Star Wars I am running out of hours in the day. 

I painted my nails last night while I watched Grimm on the DVR.  Shortly thereafter, I went upstairs to wash my face.  After I dried my face and hands, I noticed my right thumb and pointer finger nails were messed up.  I could not for the life of me figure out waht happened.  Then I remembered I had a really annoying itch on my side and I must've scratched the hell out of it...and my nail polish.  So I had to go back downstairs and take it all off.  It was easier to do that than to repaint the two nails.  I really wanted to get into bed.  I need new nail supplies anyway.  Low on cotton balls, remover, base coat, and top coat.  They'll have to wait for another check or two, though.

My derm appointment is the 23rd.  Thankfully, my fingers are still weird.  I have a gyno appointment on Thursday =O.  Man, I hate those.  Hopefully this one will be able to figure out what's wrong with me.  If I really have PCOS or not...and not just throw me on the Pill.

Snore

I'm not sure if this is a bad sign, but I'm working on putting chapters and such in my second book to get it ready to send to publishers and I cannot keep my eyes open.  It is so slow at work today; I can't say that aloud, though.  I'll jynx it.  Anyway, hopefully it's not my story putting me to sleep, and even if it is, it's probably because I already know what happens.

My subscription to Writer's Market's website ran out so I'm just going off the list of publishers I sent my other book to, plus any that I happen to stumble on that I think my work would fit in well with.  (<--I just ended a sentence with a preposition!  Ha ha, remember that ongoing joke through Beavis and Butthead Do America?)

A coworker asked how much weight I was losing.  If we're all going by the scale the Employee Health lady used, compared to my scale at home, I've lost 13 lbs.  I think that's total BS, but whatever.  I've asked other ladies.  They're scales at home compared to the EH scale are pretty close- 1-3 pound differences.  Not 13 like mine.  So maybe I am losing weight?  The coworker said she noticed.  I haven't really.  Maybe in my butt; of course, the place I didn't really want to lose weight.

Hungry Mary is hungry!

This is a bad day diet-wise.  I am so hungry.  My head hurts.  I want a box of Tastey Kakes and a bottle of Mountain Dew.  I'd even settle for a bottle of Pepsi Max!  But I have no money to buy any of the above.  I was doing sooo good, too!  These past couple days I was alright.  Why am I so hungry now?  Tonight'ss not even my night to workout, so if I somehow did binge out, I'd go way over my calorie limit.  I know I'm over my fiber limit today!  Look out!

Q: Easy way to weight loss?

A: Have no money for food!

So, as soon as our landlord cashes the rent check, we will have -$3.  Yes, that's a minus sign in front of the dollar sign.  We have half a box of stale cereal, probably a quarter gallon of milk left, less than a loaf of bread, less than a dozen eggs, and one thing of soup for me to take to work for lunch.  I think there might be six packets of oatmeal up in the cupboard.  Hooray.  =|  I get paid on Friday.  We just have to make it till then.

Mom and dad already paid our electric bill.  I hate to ask them for help again, but I'm not sure we're going to make it.  Even when I do get paid, I pay the car payment with this check.  That's about half of it- gone.  I think the cell phone is due and Dish, but they can go for a little bit.  Hopefully Chris will get called back to work soon.

Super-duper

I'm getting my blood pressure headache again.  BLAH.  It's only off and on; I had a nurse here at work check my BP and it was only 130/80-something so not too bad.  I'll have to get out my home one and keep track again.  I haven't even had caffeine since a few days ago, so it's not that.  Ehh, maybe it's the Chicken/Hamburger helper we've been eating every night..?  That's probably loaded with sodium.  And isn't exercise supposed to raise your blood pressure?  Seems kinda counter productive.

I think I have a tumor.  A fatness tumor.  It won't let me lose weight.  I've cut out sugared pop almost completely this past month and I weighed more at our weigh-in for the challenge than I did at the doctor's when I went in for my BP problem.  That doesn't make sense.  If I could give my fat the middle finger, I would.







Constantly.

Day Two-ish

It's Day Two for me counting my calories, but it's Day Three for exercising and whatnot.  Going to do treadmill and yoga again tonight.  How would I describe my mood this week in a few words?

I. Am. Starving.

MyFitnessPal.com (and the app for my Blackberry) had me at only 1200 calories/day.  That is not a lot, people.  I did some research and found some other websites and I think I'm going to aim for 1500 until I lose some weight.  Weighing less should bring my BMR down, which in turn, lowers my daily calorie limit.




Or I could just hang myself.

I gave in and made an appointment with a dermatologist; they can't get me in until March 23rd, though.  I did try another facility, and their wait is even longer.  One doc's wait is up to Sept!  Anyway, my fingers are frickin' killing me.  Every time I touch paper at work, it feels like I'm touching acid.  My face rash is coming back as well.  I'm very afraid to let it go, though.  If it does turn out to be Lupus, that rash can scar your skin.  (That's what messed up Seal's face.)  I don't want that to happen.

Chest pains

Tomorrow the weight loss challenge begins.  We get weighed in.  Can't wait to see what I'm up to.  =|  I'm definitely going to try to walk on the treadmill.  Don't know how I'm going to do any other kind of exercise; my chest has been hurting for the past couple weeks.  Just bending over to get clothes out of the dryer today was alarmingly painful.  Seems to be twisting movements.  I feel like my breastbone might crack or something.  It's still bothering me now, even though I took three ibuprofen.

I did some research...on myself.  I copied and pasted my old blog into a MS Word file and edited it to maybe one day be a book.  Well, I looked up when my face started bothering me the first time.  It was Jan. '05.  Seven years ago.  I've been dealing with this cycle of eczema/steroid cream for seven years.

Maybe I should go to a holistic healing person.  Get a detox foot bath and have my palms read.  I need to do something.  Every time I go to the doctor they think nothing's wrong with me.

Dear laptop,

I'm sorry I haven't used you in a while.  SWTOR has taken up a lot of my time.  Remind me to inform Chris and his friends that our Sith toons will have to be on the back burner; Monday starts the weight loss challenge at work and I need to get on the treadmill....forever...like literally.

-Mary

Good God, hopefully I'm this swollen on Monday for the weigh in.  Then I'll spend all week peeing out all this water weight, holy crap.  My hands are normally swollen in the morning, but recently my hands, arms, feet, and legs have been swollen almost all day.  My fingertips are super sore today, too.  Not sure why.  It's Saturday; I did absolutely nothing today.  I mean, the most "irritating" thing I touched was water.  But, then again, water is a  universal irritant.  I learned that in beauty school.

Something else I learned in beauty school?  I'll fail if I don't wear make up.  Yeah.  After my teacher gave me a "talking-to" about how my not wearing makeup was going to bring my beauty school average down, you'd think I wouldn't have gotten out of that habit.  Then again, it was almost ten years ago.  

Well, I'm done rambling.  I'm going to go bathe my hands in scent-free, special eczema lotion.

Lent

I've decided.  For Lent, I'm giving up being tolerant.  I'm giving up trying to be an acceptable person in society. For too long I've tried to not make goofy faces when someone says something ridiculous.  I've gone too long without picking on someone for liking U2 or Creed *shivers*.  I've tried to cut back on saying, "Holy balls!" and all my other fun sayings because I don't want to offend anyone.  Well, you know what that makes me?  Vanilla.  Boring.  So, to start off my Lent...

Lent is dumb.  I've been using the excuse that I don't like Catholics because I dated one, but that's all it is: a good excuse.  It's really because that whole religious "system" is absolutely ridiculous.  The Pope?  The Pope is the only one who can talk to God?  Read the Bible...for yourselves.  Praying to Mary?  Really?  And all the other Saints?  Do you know what that is?  Idol worship.  Having crucifixes everywhere?  Idol worship.  Preists and Nuns?  Do they realize that God wants people to procreate and be happy?  Obviously they get the procreating part; they're against any kind of birth control.  My ex practically choked on his tongue when I said my gyno might put me on the Pill.  And LENT?!  Really?  For a few weeks (or however long it is, I have no idea) let's eat fish on Friday.  REALLY?  Lent is supposed to be giving up something you can't live without: smoking, chocolate, alcohol, Mountain Dew.  Not eating f'ing McDonald's fish sandwiches for a month.  Everything's about tradition.  Now, I'm not against traditions, but to make someone feel like they're going to hell for eating a turkey sandwich on a Friday?  Yeah, I'm against that.  I hate the fact when I say I'm a Christian, I'm automatically lumped in with Catholics because that's what they call themselves.  From now on, I'm saying, "I'm saved."  And when people ask what that means, I'll tell them, "It means I read the Bible for myself and believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins...and I can talk to him any time I want."

Pissy mood

Ugh, I have been in such a pissy mood this past week and a half.  I couldn't figure out why.  I just wanted to sleep; been stress eating and craving stuff- I drove to Sheetz in the middle of the night because I NEEDED Mountain Dew and something chocolate.  (I thought the next day I would get my period or something, but no.)  It took me a couple days, but I did eventually figure it out: we just learned that someone on Chris's side of the family is pregnant...again...to a guy who has three kids to a different chick, who was told she couldn't have kids.  I should've realized it sooner.  Almost every time I find out someone's pregnant (who I don't think deserves it, if that makes any sense at all) I get in a horrible mood.  Why?  Because, frankly, it's not fair.  And I'm gonna end on that note before I go off on some kind of rampage.

A coworker brought in a list of foods that are beneficial, neutral, or awful for blood types.  I mentioned that I don't know my blood type and coworkers suggested I call and ask my doctor's office.  Well, the lady who answered the phone laughed at me when I asked, and she said something about blood work.  I told her I've had blood work done by them before, and she went to ask a nurse.  When she came back, she told me "no"; they have to actually order a blood typing test to find it out.  Everyone at the office said to go donate blood; they type your blood there.  I said, "Do you want me to pass out and/or throw up in front of a complete stranger?"  There are kits you can buy online, but that costs money, which I don't have.

I've been applying for part time jobs around, but haven't heard anything back from anyone yet.  Ulta probably saw my facebook page and didn't want my face behind their counters; there went THAT application.

The Nearsighted Owl: Giveaway: Vintage from Yessiree Petunia

The Nearsighted Owl: Giveaway: Vintage from Yessiree Petunia: This giveaway is really neat because you get to pick what you like! I will let Lesley tell you more about it. I'm Lesley Jean. T...

Fingers

Losing my fingerprints

I'm going to try to get a better picture tomorrow outside (if it's sunny).

They were very burny and itchy today at work.  It hurts to touch certain paper products, like manila envelopes.  I did some research during our down time and found other people experiencing the same thing; doctors gave them varying diagnoses, though.

Sexy by Spring

The other weight loss team's name was leaked!  They're going with "Sassy by Summer".  We, naturally being one-uppers, went with "Sexy by Spring" as our team name.  Weigh-in is the 27th, so I still have some time to fatten up!

I keep telling myself to walk on the treadmill, but I end up playing Star Wars.  =\  I need to make some kind of chart; for every hour I play SWTOR, I need to walk a mile on the treadmill...or something like that.

I watched Beetlejuice for the first time the other night.  I wasn't allowed to watch it when it came out...and after seeing it, I understand why.  Someone should remake it, though.  I think now, with CGI and all that fun stuff, it could be really amazing.  Not 3D, though!  Holy crap, enough stuff is 3D.

Still grappling with myself on whether to get my hair cut or not.  Again, it all depends on the money.  No money=no hair cut at all.  I want to chop it off, but then I don't.  I don't want to draw unwanted attention to my fat head.  It's not long enough to donate to Locks of Love and have a decent amount of hair left.  Argh!  Decisions!

Face rash

Extremely itchy.  I took a pic of it before I had to put steroid cream on it.  Thinking about making an appointment with a dermatologist.  SO ITCHY!

Weight loss challenge

Well, on Feb. 27th, work is starting a weight loss challenge.  Our building already has two teams made up.  The ladies in the office somehow got my name on the list.  I told them I didn't want to do it; I'll be the reason we lose (the contest...not weight).  Oh well.  It gives me something to aim for I guess.  I have been enjoying Pepsi Max as my diet beverage of choice.  I can actually drink it and not want to vomit immediately. 

The ladies at the office are crazy for wanting to lose weight anyway.  All of them are thin in my eyes and perfect.  I don't know why they don't see it.  I told them I could lose a lot of weight if I chopped my boobs and ass in half and donated them to people.  I also had a great idea of donating my boobs to women who've had mastectomies.

Uck.  My hair is getting to that point where I want to chop it off.  I really like the color of Beyonce's hair here:

But I hate when my hair is long enough to stick under my arm...or accidently inhale (nose and mouth...I've done both.)  And this is all just me talking under the pretense that I actually have money to get my hair done with!  HA!

And the trek continues...

My blood pressure is fine now (of course); not sure if I mentioned that yet.  I read more about Cushing's and I don't think that's what's wrong with me.  The other night while I was playing Star Wars, my hands (which were cold, as usual) started tingling.  Not like they fell asleep, but like someone was poking my fingers with thumbtacks every so often.  The next morning  I woke up to swollen hands with little red bumps on certain fingers.  I could hardly write because of the swelling and because the tips of my fingers were just sore.  They feel better today, but the lumps are still there.  I'm still kinda swollen, too.

I Googled it, of course.  About a billion things about Lupus came up.  Once again, my health-Googles have brought up Lupus.  Headahces?  Lupus.  Fevers?  Lupus.  Face rash?  Lupus.

Thank you, House.  Seriously, though, back in the day when I first got the rash on my face the doctor I saw wanted to test me for Lupus.  I foolishly said no...because I was squeamish and couldn't handle getting my blood taken.  Now I'm a pro at it.  Can I just go to the doctor and say, "Hey, test me for Lupus now?" seven years late?  That doctor I saw retired and they probably got rid of my records.

Anyway, enough about my hypochondriac...ism?  I need to find a part time job.  My student loan payment are going to be due soon.  Hopefully, they'll reduce them.  I'm not paying 150 some dollars a month; that's ridiculous.  I applied at Ulta a while ago but haven't heard anything.  It's probably because I can never pass those quizzes they give you during the application.

Beautiful day

The view from my window.  The sun's going down now so it's not as pretty (and the picture quality on my phone sucks).

I plan on working on my newest story tonight.  I must work on it...I think I've only written ten pages so far, if I'm lucky.  I just haven't been able to get in to it.

My old website

The girl who hosts my old website never took my pages down.

maryment

Dreams and aspirations on my way home from work

I was driving home after picking up some Micky D's for Christopher (who sprained his ankle, see below) and I had a revelation.  I have no idea why, but I thought about being a teacher and how, at first, the students wouldn't believe anything I say (like I never believed my teachers).  But years later, when they're my age, they would understand and say, "Hey, Mrs. Knight was right!" and that felt good.

But I would have a Billy Madison moment if I was a teacher.  Instead of the fat, young kid, though, I'd grab the skinny girls who think they're fat (or the kids that say they can't wait to move out on their own) and cry, "Don't you say that. Don't you ever say that. Stay here. Stay here as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it!"

Anyway, Chris fell down our stairs yesterday.  I had to leave work to take him to the ER (yes, I pretty much just dropped him off at the ER doors and raced back to work...I only get half an hour for lunch!)  His foot/ankle is pretty swollen.  They said it was sprained.  I had to leave work again to go pick him up since he didn't have house keys.  They gave him crutches.  I tied an old purse to one of his crutches so that he can carry stuff around with him.  Thank God this happened while he's laid off.  Hopefully it's better before he gets called back to work.

It's really slow at work tonight.  I walked out to the quiet fax machines and instinctively said, "Wow, did the rapture happen?  Was I left behind?"  There's a story behind that.  In elementary school, it was seemingly required that in Bible class you watched the series of movies starting with A Thief in the Night.

Yeah, high quality stuff.  Circa the 1970's, the movies are all about the Rapture happening because of computers.  The Mark of the Beast is a binary 666 tattoo.  Anyway, I distinctly remember a friend and myself  being terrified after that of the Rapture happening.  One of us would come to school and tell the other one how she walked downstairs and no one was home; there's usually a pile of clothes sitting somewhere.  Instant fear: the Rapture left you behind.

PS.  They executed the people who became Christians via guillotine.  I wonder if the teachers at that school know how much those movies scarred me and pretty much shaped my childhood...and fear of guillotines.

New site

I'm loving this site I found.  Especially this transcript of a letter Benjamin Franklin wrote:

Philada. July 5. 1775

Mr. Strahan

You are a Member of Parliament, and one of that Majority which has doomed my Country to Destruction. You have begun to burn our Towns and murder our People. — Look upon your hands! They are stained with the Blood of your Relations! — You and I were long Friends:— You are now my Enemy, — and

I am,

Yours.

B. Franklin

Feeling better

I had a nurse at work take my BP and compare it to the electronic one my mom gave me.  It was pretty close...and my BP was normal.  So, suck it, doctor.  I'm not doing a low-salt diet, but I have been trying to drink diet pop instead of my usual Mountain Dew.  ='(

I finally gave in and bought Star Wars so I could play with Chris and our usual gang over the weekend.  Not sure how long I'll play tonight; gotta take Damian to preschool Tues-Thurs at 9 in the morning.  O_o

Don't tell Chris, but I bought another pregnancy test.  It was negative, of course.  I don't know why I let myself believe it'll be anything different.  I just feel like I'm getting fatter no matter what I do. 

F*#@ me

It sucks to be fat and lazy.

Heard from the doctor.  He doesn't want to put me on meds; he wants me to exercise and lose weight first.  Hooray.  =|  I'm considering getting a second opinion.  I've gained 5-10 pounds since the last time I was at the doctor.  My BP was 117/72 then.  I can't imagine ten pounds raising it that much.  I actually commented to the girl the last time I was there that I wouldn't worry about being fat until it affects my BP....maybe I shot myself in the foot by saying that.

I did do more research on Cushings.  I have almost every symptom except the "buffalo hump".  I do have a hump, but it's not fatty, it's bony.  My vertebra prominens sticks out there; it's really noticeable.  Probably more so since I got a nautical star tattooed over it.  Anyway, it was scary reading the symptoms but I feel like such a dweeb going to the doctor all the time and saying, "Hey, I think I have this; test me for it," and then being wrong.

Uh oh

Well, at my free BP check today, my blood pressure was still high.  130/90.  The nurse was going to show it to the doctor and they are going to call me if they think something's wrong...or whatever.

But I left my phone at home.  Yay, I are smart.

10 Hour Day

Working 10 hours today.  I don't really mind...though I just ate a whole bin of cheesecake.  I really need to lose some weight.  Really.  I need to look like that pic of me on the top of this page; skinnier, even, because I think then I was still considered "over weight".  I tried zipping up my hoodie today- tight.  I'm down to one or two hoodies that don't cut my blood circulation off at the waist.  I should just kill myself now.

My face is looking more moon-ish as the days go by.  Maybe I have Cushings?  I'll Google that when I'm done here and read about it again.

My blood pressure check tomorrow is free, so I'm still going to go.  At least I won't have to pay them to tell me I'm retarded and nothing else is wrong with me.  Story of my life!

Until I was in my twenties, my family went to this one doctor not too far from our house.  It was a Catholic place (if that makes a difference) and the physician assistant was a nun.  Neither the doctor nor the PA ever believed me or my mom when we went there.  I told the dr. that Allegra gave me nosebleeds.  She laughed.  Not the most appropriate response.  When I saw the PA because I hadn't had my period for six months, she asked, "Could you be pregnant?"  I said, "No, I've never had sex."  She then proceeded to get a urine sample to do a pregnancy test...that I had to pay for out of pocket (and I could've gone to the grocery store and gotten one for 1/5 the amount they charged me).

I sincerely hope tomorrow when I go for my blood pressure check that it'll be high or out of whack and they'll do a blood pregnancy test and it'll be positive.  Then I won't feel like such a fat piece of crap.

OMG

If any female readers have boyfriends/husbands who play Call of Duty, Halo, or some other type of shooting game, I know how you feel.  I was so ready to pull the plug on Chris' Xbox earlier today.  I was doing our freakin' taxes (something the man who loves math should be doing, no?) and--heaven forbid--had to walk in front of the TV to get my purse.  He died, of course, at that very second and yelled at me.  Waa, waa.  Further along in the game, he starts yelling.  Not the normal COD yelling; like, screaming, tearing his voice.  I looked over and said, "Chris," like a warning: you're going a little overboard.  He looked over at me and said, "Shut up! I'm still mad at you!"

Wrong thing to say.  He had no idea that he made me mad; he kept talking to me about his dumb game the whole time.  At one point, he said, "Mary....Mary...........Mary........Mary, honest to God, answer me!"  I said, "What?!  You told me to shut up!"  He played it off of course and yelled again about how I walked in front of him with no warning and WAA WAA, I NEED MY DIAPIE CHANGED.

Long story short....-ish, he can do his own laundry from now on.

It is funny to hear him yell, "DUDE, I just knifed CheeZbacon in the ass and he didn't die!"

As it so happens...

My blood pressure is back to normal.  Last night it was actually 120/80.  So, again, I will look like a retard when the doctor's office takes my BP on Thursday.  "We told you it was just your cold or stress," they will say, nasaly (or that's how I imagine it).  It's weird; every so often I can still feel pressure along the back of my head and ear where my headache was.  (If you find out I died in my sleep of an aneurysm, well, now you know the whole situation.)

Last night, as I was massaging my sore head, I noticed that the ball of my industrial piercing was missing.  I wonder how long it's been gone.  Thankfully it's the bottom one so the bar still stays in my ear.  Now I have to make a special trip to Hot Topic to buy a replacement.

Seems like another slow day at work.  I think I'll start working on my newest story.

A week of dreams (draft, half-post)

This week has been full of weird dreams.  Last night I dreamt a lot about murderers.  Also, ocassionally I dream about State College; mostly that I'm trying to get there (for some unknown reason).  It happened again last night.  I was trying to take a train because the highway didn't take you right into State College.  Then I was at school (I revisit Calvary Baptist a lot in dreams) and some special event was going on.

The view from work

This is the view from the offices across the way from mine.  In my office, you just get a view of our parking lot and the main street...and the subsidized government housing across the street.

Halloween Costume (draft, half-post)

They finally put the office's Halloween costumes on the agency intranet home page and I was able to crop mine.

New Health Trek

I've had a headache since Saturday.  (In case you were wondering, this is day 6.)  All weekend, I took my usual Excedrin, but upon realizing that it wasn't helping, I stopped.  Mostly to prove to Chris that the pills weren't the cause of my headache.  I also stopped drinking caffeine.  I had to call off on Tuesday because I was up all night, and later that day as I sat watching TV I had the longest palpitation possible.

So when I came in to work yesterday, I asked if one of the nurses could check my blood pressure.  I mean, I had ruled everything else out: caffeine, Excedrin, pregnancy (I took two tests).  Linda took my BP and it was 138/88.  My BP is usually low; like 112/70 low.  I made a doctor appointment right after that for today.  Of course, today before my appointment, Linda took my BP again and it was 124/98 or something along those lines.  By the time I got to the doctor's it was 132/98.  When the actual doctor took it, not only did he take it like four hundred times, but the number he said was something ridiculous like 138/100.

"That's a little high," he said.  Really?  Maybe that's why my ear feels like it's going to shoot off my head?  And everyone there looked at me crazily when I said the pain was in the back left of my head.

He ended up telling me that a headache from blood pressure wasn't normal (?).  After that, I'm not sure if he was advising me on my headache or BP problem.  He said to take Tylenol for the headache and I must just be under stress or it's from the cold I'm practically over by now.

Whatever.  I have to keep a blood pressure log and go back next Thurs.  If it's still high, then he'll try to figure out what's wrong with me.  How nice.

Cars, make up, house work

I finally took the Kia in for an oil change.  It was only five months past due.  I half-expected the guys at Walmart to laugh me out of the garage.  Monday must've been oil-change day for Altoona because there was an hour and half to two hour wait.  I said it was fine; I had to eat and do my grocery shopping anyway.

I stopped by electronics to check out Xboxes.  I'm thinking of getting Chris a new one for his birthday.  One that's wireless, so we don't have to drape that ugly blue cord all over the living room any more.  Then I walked up to McDonald's and got some food.  That took a while.  They claimed it was for my chicken nuggets, but I think they fried my fries three times while I waited; they were hard as wooden rods.

Anyway, after I ate, I started grocery shopping.  Halfway through the car/bathroom/paint section, I realized my ticket for the oil change had "walked" out of my back pocket.  (That's short for, "My ass is so big, as I walked, it pushed the paper out of my pocket.")  So I retraced my steps and found it in the cat food aisle.  Back to shopping.  I shopped on auto-pilot, mainly because, I hate grocery shopping.

I found a line that wasn't too bad and checked out.  I felt like a weirdo walking back through Walmart with my cart full of bagged groceries, but I certainly wasn't going to go outside and walk around the building to get to the garage!  My car wasn't done yet; it was about another half hour wait back there, as my eggs and milk got warm.  I opened the Hard Candy makeup set I picked up and looked at it.

I love the make up aisles.  I looked at the Hard Candy stuff for a looong time, and finally decided on a pack of new blush that came with highlighter, primer, and lip gloss sample-sized tubes.  I tried the primer today.  It was weird.  I'm not sure it made any kind of difference on my face or with my makeup, but I really like the new blush.  I don't have to use as much as my old one to get the color to show up and it's a little sparkly.

At Walmart, I also got plastic for the windows.  Tomorrow, since I'm off work, I think I'm going to plastic-up all the windows and start going through the mess of clothes Chris and I have.  Nothing is put away; each of us has a dresser that is pretty much empty.  I'm getting sick of living out of laundry baskets.  Now, I've been meaning to do this for a while now and I always get too lazy.  I'm really going to try tomorrow.

Oh, working on a new story.  I've pretty much finished the book I started for NaNoWriMo and, even "finished" it doesn't make the 50k mark.  Blah.  I'll let it sit for a while and go back to it some other time.