September 28, 2017. I took a pregnancy test because my period was late. It was positive. October 2, I made the announcement on Facebook. October 5, I had my first doctor's appointment and they scheduled my first ultrasound for the 18th. October 11, I spent a couple hours in the ER with bleeding and the doctor told me I'm probably having a miscarriage.
I hate to admit, but this whole pregnancy (all two and half weeks of it), I had a horrible feeling that something would go wrong. I held off on telling my students at Penn Highlands, which I'm thankful for now.
I thought since I had gone through the worst thing that could happen already (losing Matthew) that I was immune from anything else happening. And now, I'm my own worst enemy. I'm telling myself everything you're not supposed to say when someone has a miscarriage.
Did I jinx myself by announcing it so early? Was it because I kept thinking something would go wrong that something DID go wrong? At least I know I can get pregnant. At least I have Violet. At least it happened early on and not later. Was it something I did? Maybe I carried Violet too much. Maybe I didn't eat well enough. Maybe it's because I follow all kind of baby loss pages on Facebook. Was it because of my stomach surgery?
Obviously, I realize it has nothing to do with anything I did, but you can't help thinking that. I tortured myself with what I had done when we got Matthew's diagnosis, even though my doctors assured me it was just a fluke.
And I don't mind that I announced it early and now have to announce the sad news. Too often, miscarriages are taboo. No one talks about them, even though 1 in 4 woman have had one. I want others to know they're not alone. Just like I don't mind talking about my PCOS and fertility issues. Anytime I can raise awareness for these issues, I do.
I'm supposed to go to my OB/Gyn on Monday to get another HCG level drawn, but I might see if they'll let me get it done tomorrow sometime. My HCG levels should be doubling every 48-72 hours. Mine was only 183 last night at the ER and they couldn't see anything on the ultrasound.
Showing posts with label PCOS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PCOS. Show all posts
Thursday, October 12, 2017
Monday, October 13, 2014
It's finally happened!
I know it's been a while since I posted here, but I didn't have much to say. Just the same whining about life and how it sucks. Chris got fired back in November and we've been barely staying afloat since. We got a new kitty, one that my sister-in-law had rescued and they were giving away. Her name is Pumpkin and she's super cute!
Barbara, a friend of mine at work, got me using an app called Zombie 5k. It's pretty awesome. I'd recommend it to anyone who wants to train to run/jog. It was always something I wished I could do, and with this app, it not only trains you to eventually run a 5k, but it also puts you into the story and will mix in your own music.
Anyway, I had been doing the Zombie run for about a month, and, to be honest, I only really started it to see if losing weight would help me get pregnant. Since the clomid hadn't worked alone or with metformin, I figured I'd give running a shot before I started on some crazy vegan diet or something. So, a month of walking/running and then there comes a night where my boobs hurt to much to do it. Granted, my boobs have been hurting a lot since I stopped clomid (which I took as a good sign that my hormones were finally in line) so it wasn't anything new. But I just felt...super bloated? I guess you could describe it that way. I started the program but ended it early two or three times.
The following week, I got two nosebleeds, which is weird for me. I never get nosebleeds. I also couldn't sit with my pants buttoned. I began to suspect I was pregnant, but then again, I always suspect that and I'm always wrong.
My period was supposed to come on August 31st, which was when my family's Labor Day picnic was. So, I went prepared to get my period at any moment, especially if I went in the pool. One 4th of July at the same aunt's house, my period was late and I was all excited to only find it had started after I got out of the pool. Yay.
I had such a strong feeling, though, that night I couldn't sleep. I actually got up at 2 AM and found a cheap-o pregnancy test that I was sure was expired. I peed in a cup and dipped the tester in. Two lines showed up. I was shaking. I quickly took a picture and sent it to Barbara (because I knew it wouldn't wake her up.) After that, it was really hard to go back to sleep, but eventually I did.
I had to work the next morning and stopped and got Tylenol (for my lack-of-sleep headache) and prenatal vitamins. I sent the picture I took the night before to Chris and he had no idea what it was. So I told him. "It's positive. It says I'm pregnant." He told me not to get my hopes up, like the so many other times I have and then been let down. We went grocery shopping later after work and I grabbed a digital test. He wanted me to wait until morning, but I couldn't, so I took it right after we got back from the store. It clearly said "Pregnant."
Long story short, today I am ten weeks and going to have a sonogram tomorrow. I've been thinking about taking a belly pic, but I was fat to begin with, so not sure how good it would be. People have been telling me that I'm losing weight, which I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Barbara, a friend of mine at work, got me using an app called Zombie 5k. It's pretty awesome. I'd recommend it to anyone who wants to train to run/jog. It was always something I wished I could do, and with this app, it not only trains you to eventually run a 5k, but it also puts you into the story and will mix in your own music.
Anyway, I had been doing the Zombie run for about a month, and, to be honest, I only really started it to see if losing weight would help me get pregnant. Since the clomid hadn't worked alone or with metformin, I figured I'd give running a shot before I started on some crazy vegan diet or something. So, a month of walking/running and then there comes a night where my boobs hurt to much to do it. Granted, my boobs have been hurting a lot since I stopped clomid (which I took as a good sign that my hormones were finally in line) so it wasn't anything new. But I just felt...super bloated? I guess you could describe it that way. I started the program but ended it early two or three times.
The following week, I got two nosebleeds, which is weird for me. I never get nosebleeds. I also couldn't sit with my pants buttoned. I began to suspect I was pregnant, but then again, I always suspect that and I'm always wrong.
My period was supposed to come on August 31st, which was when my family's Labor Day picnic was. So, I went prepared to get my period at any moment, especially if I went in the pool. One 4th of July at the same aunt's house, my period was late and I was all excited to only find it had started after I got out of the pool. Yay.
I had such a strong feeling, though, that night I couldn't sleep. I actually got up at 2 AM and found a cheap-o pregnancy test that I was sure was expired. I peed in a cup and dipped the tester in. Two lines showed up. I was shaking. I quickly took a picture and sent it to Barbara (because I knew it wouldn't wake her up.) After that, it was really hard to go back to sleep, but eventually I did.
I had to work the next morning and stopped and got Tylenol (for my lack-of-sleep headache) and prenatal vitamins. I sent the picture I took the night before to Chris and he had no idea what it was. So I told him. "It's positive. It says I'm pregnant." He told me not to get my hopes up, like the so many other times I have and then been let down. We went grocery shopping later after work and I grabbed a digital test. He wanted me to wait until morning, but I couldn't, so I took it right after we got back from the store. It clearly said "Pregnant."
Long story short, today I am ten weeks and going to have a sonogram tomorrow. I've been thinking about taking a belly pic, but I was fat to begin with, so not sure how good it would be. People have been telling me that I'm losing weight, which I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Goodbye, statistics!
Dropped that stupid statistics class today! That's a huge weight off my shoulders. Now I only have one class and after that's done, hopefully I'll be all set up with St. Francis. I sent them my app today and should be faxing the rest of the info they need tomorrow.
Last night, I took the 10th or 11th OPK test of the two boxes I bought, and for the first time ever, the test line was almost as dark as the dummy line! Tonight I think they'll match! Maybe the metformin is helping after all!
Last night, I took the 10th or 11th OPK test of the two boxes I bought, and for the first time ever, the test line was almost as dark as the dummy line! Tonight I think they'll match! Maybe the metformin is helping after all!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Doctor visit fun
I had to make an appointment with my doc to get refills. (Oh, apparently Prozac is an SSRI and I had no idea. I feel like a total moron.) Anyway, while I was there I mentioned all my joint pain. Right hand, right shoulder, left elbow. These really random places I'm getting "tendonitis". She asked who told me I had tendonitis; I said the doctor I normally see (she was a PA). She referred me to one of the orthopods that make visits to that office because he would be more knowledgeable. I was happy about that...until the appointment.
He was a nice guy, down to earth, funny...but he totally misunderstood the whole reason I was there. I was hoping to get referred for physical therapy to get exercises I could do that won't hurt me somehow. Instead, he showed me a few stretches and told me to do push ups off a wall. I mentioned my fibrous dysplasia (along with my fear of bone pain and fractures) and asked, "Do you know what that is?" because most people don't; the ER docs took four hours to figure it out. He said, "Yeah, exercise will help your flare ups." I didn't realize at that time (because I have a tendency to turn into a complete idiot when I'm at the doctor's) but he totally thought I said fibromyalgia, which is completely different.
I wish I could call the office up and be like, "Look, give Dr. What's-his-name a message: I said fibrous dysplasia not fibromyalgia, so give me the right treatment." And then I think, why should I have to quality check my doctor's decisions? Why should I have to keep calling around trying to find someone who knows what's wrong with me? It's very frustrating.
I'm on my seventh month of Clomid. Thinking about taking a break for a bit. Got some work things going on and it would be nice not to have to pluck my chin every other day. I also think I'm getting a bunch of cysts on my ovaries. I have pinching pains every once in a while in my abdomen and I feel constantly full down there...and no, it's not just my fat.
I don't know what to do exercise wise. Now my knees have been bothering me. They've always popped; all my life I could crack my knees. But now they feel unstable, there's grinding and other noises when I go down stairs. I've never been able to rest on my knees, it hurts too much. I've always thought my knee cap was too small. It's like the size of a quarter. I dunno. I'm scared to try to jog. Guess I could just go back to the treadmill, but everyone says that's bad for your knees, too. I think I'm just destined to be fat and out of shape forever. And it's a vicious cycle, because if I would lose weight, my knees would probably feel better. Oh well.
He was a nice guy, down to earth, funny...but he totally misunderstood the whole reason I was there. I was hoping to get referred for physical therapy to get exercises I could do that won't hurt me somehow. Instead, he showed me a few stretches and told me to do push ups off a wall. I mentioned my fibrous dysplasia (along with my fear of bone pain and fractures) and asked, "Do you know what that is?" because most people don't; the ER docs took four hours to figure it out. He said, "Yeah, exercise will help your flare ups." I didn't realize at that time (because I have a tendency to turn into a complete idiot when I'm at the doctor's) but he totally thought I said fibromyalgia, which is completely different.
I wish I could call the office up and be like, "Look, give Dr. What's-his-name a message: I said fibrous dysplasia not fibromyalgia, so give me the right treatment." And then I think, why should I have to quality check my doctor's decisions? Why should I have to keep calling around trying to find someone who knows what's wrong with me? It's very frustrating.
I'm on my seventh month of Clomid. Thinking about taking a break for a bit. Got some work things going on and it would be nice not to have to pluck my chin every other day. I also think I'm getting a bunch of cysts on my ovaries. I have pinching pains every once in a while in my abdomen and I feel constantly full down there...and no, it's not just my fat.
I don't know what to do exercise wise. Now my knees have been bothering me. They've always popped; all my life I could crack my knees. But now they feel unstable, there's grinding and other noises when I go down stairs. I've never been able to rest on my knees, it hurts too much. I've always thought my knee cap was too small. It's like the size of a quarter. I dunno. I'm scared to try to jog. Guess I could just go back to the treadmill, but everyone says that's bad for your knees, too. I think I'm just destined to be fat and out of shape forever. And it's a vicious cycle, because if I would lose weight, my knees would probably feel better. Oh well.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Stuck
Since I've "lost" the initial 15 pounds of this weight-loss challenge, I haven't lost any more. I tried to incorporate jogging into my treadmill workouts, but my lower legs get tired too easily (I later came to realize these are called "shin splints"? and happen because my feet are flat). I did belly dancing last night and remembered why I tried to give the DVD away the first time.
I've been reading through the message boards on MyFitnessPal.com and taking a look at what other girls with PCOS (which is still undetermined if I have it or not) are doing about getting stuck in their weight loss. Some suggest cinnamon, others chromium. A few suggested Vitex; it's a supplement that stimulates progestin...progesterone? I can never remember what that hormone is. I had my parents pick me up a bottle and this is my second day taking it.
I was going to do yoga or something tonight, but as the day goes on, my leg bones hurt more and more. It came on suddenly. I just popped three ibuprofen; I really do not want to move my legs at all. I'm also cramping, but I can't tell if it's the Vitex working or if I'm just going to have to poop later. =\
A theory one girl on the message boards had for my leg tireness and shin splints was my shoes. I do need new shoes, but I know I'll never have the money to buy them. I don't even have money to pay bills most of the time.
Went to a new gyno the other day and they did some blood tests. I'm hoping they get back to me pretty soon with some kind of answers. Whether it's just putting me back on Metformin or what, I need to get a move on. We were looking up this fertility clinic near us today at work and 35 is the magic number. They pretty much want you to use donor eggs after 35. So I have 6 years to try and pop out however many kids Chris and I want.
I've been reading through the message boards on MyFitnessPal.com and taking a look at what other girls with PCOS (which is still undetermined if I have it or not) are doing about getting stuck in their weight loss. Some suggest cinnamon, others chromium. A few suggested Vitex; it's a supplement that stimulates progestin...progesterone? I can never remember what that hormone is. I had my parents pick me up a bottle and this is my second day taking it.
I was going to do yoga or something tonight, but as the day goes on, my leg bones hurt more and more. It came on suddenly. I just popped three ibuprofen; I really do not want to move my legs at all. I'm also cramping, but I can't tell if it's the Vitex working or if I'm just going to have to poop later. =\
A theory one girl on the message boards had for my leg tireness and shin splints was my shoes. I do need new shoes, but I know I'll never have the money to buy them. I don't even have money to pay bills most of the time.
Went to a new gyno the other day and they did some blood tests. I'm hoping they get back to me pretty soon with some kind of answers. Whether it's just putting me back on Metformin or what, I need to get a move on. We were looking up this fertility clinic near us today at work and 35 is the magic number. They pretty much want you to use donor eggs after 35. So I have 6 years to try and pop out however many kids Chris and I want.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Down "15 pounds"...we'll see
Down 15 pounds since the weigh in. I think I'm losing fat on my ribs...or someplace else stupid like that. No, my measurments (hip and waist) went down an inch. I was going to rest today, but it is sooooo freakin' nice out. I'm going to walk with Mom, Chassity, and Damian.
Still working on my "Adrienne" story, getting it ready to send to publishers. I need to get it done and start on my newest one. Between that, painting my nails, exercise, and playing Star Wars I am running out of hours in the day.
I painted my nails last night while I watched Grimm on the DVR. Shortly thereafter, I went upstairs to wash my face. After I dried my face and hands, I noticed my right thumb and pointer finger nails were messed up. I could not for the life of me figure out waht happened. Then I remembered I had a really annoying itch on my side and I must've scratched the hell out of it...and my nail polish. So I had to go back downstairs and take it all off. It was easier to do that than to repaint the two nails. I really wanted to get into bed. I need new nail supplies anyway. Low on cotton balls, remover, base coat, and top coat. They'll have to wait for another check or two, though.
My derm appointment is the 23rd. Thankfully, my fingers are still weird. I have a gyno appointment on Thursday =O. Man, I hate those. Hopefully this one will be able to figure out what's wrong with me. If I really have PCOS or not...and not just throw me on the Pill.
Still working on my "Adrienne" story, getting it ready to send to publishers. I need to get it done and start on my newest one. Between that, painting my nails, exercise, and playing Star Wars I am running out of hours in the day.
I painted my nails last night while I watched Grimm on the DVR. Shortly thereafter, I went upstairs to wash my face. After I dried my face and hands, I noticed my right thumb and pointer finger nails were messed up. I could not for the life of me figure out waht happened. Then I remembered I had a really annoying itch on my side and I must've scratched the hell out of it...and my nail polish. So I had to go back downstairs and take it all off. It was easier to do that than to repaint the two nails. I really wanted to get into bed. I need new nail supplies anyway. Low on cotton balls, remover, base coat, and top coat. They'll have to wait for another check or two, though.
My derm appointment is the 23rd. Thankfully, my fingers are still weird. I have a gyno appointment on Thursday =O. Man, I hate those. Hopefully this one will be able to figure out what's wrong with me. If I really have PCOS or not...and not just throw me on the Pill.
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