Proud of My Size Link-Up

Snore

I'm not sure if this is a bad sign, but I'm working on putting chapters and such in my second book to get it ready to send to publishers and I cannot keep my eyes open.  It is so slow at work today; I can't say that aloud, though.  I'll jynx it.  Anyway, hopefully it's not my story putting me to sleep, and even if it is, it's probably because I already know what happens.

My subscription to Writer's Market's website ran out so I'm just going off the list of publishers I sent my other book to, plus any that I happen to stumble on that I think my work would fit in well with.  (<--I just ended a sentence with a preposition!  Ha ha, remember that ongoing joke through Beavis and Butthead Do America?)

A coworker asked how much weight I was losing.  If we're all going by the scale the Employee Health lady used, compared to my scale at home, I've lost 13 lbs.  I think that's total BS, but whatever.  I've asked other ladies.  They're scales at home compared to the EH scale are pretty close- 1-3 pound differences.  Not 13 like mine.  So maybe I am losing weight?  The coworker said she noticed.  I haven't really.  Maybe in my butt; of course, the place I didn't really want to lose weight.

Hungry Mary is hungry!

This is a bad day diet-wise.  I am so hungry.  My head hurts.  I want a box of Tastey Kakes and a bottle of Mountain Dew.  I'd even settle for a bottle of Pepsi Max!  But I have no money to buy any of the above.  I was doing sooo good, too!  These past couple days I was alright.  Why am I so hungry now?  Tonight'ss not even my night to workout, so if I somehow did binge out, I'd go way over my calorie limit.  I know I'm over my fiber limit today!  Look out!

Super-duper

I'm getting my blood pressure headache again.  BLAH.  It's only off and on; I had a nurse here at work check my BP and it was only 130/80-something so not too bad.  I'll have to get out my home one and keep track again.  I haven't even had caffeine since a few days ago, so it's not that.  Ehh, maybe it's the Chicken/Hamburger helper we've been eating every night..?  That's probably loaded with sodium.  And isn't exercise supposed to raise your blood pressure?  Seems kinda counter productive.

I think I have a tumor.  A fatness tumor.  It won't let me lose weight.  I've cut out sugared pop almost completely this past month and I weighed more at our weigh-in for the challenge than I did at the doctor's when I went in for my BP problem.  That doesn't make sense.  If I could give my fat the middle finger, I would.







Constantly.

Day Two-ish

It's Day Two for me counting my calories, but it's Day Three for exercising and whatnot.  Going to do treadmill and yoga again tonight.  How would I describe my mood this week in a few words?

I. Am. Starving.

MyFitnessPal.com (and the app for my Blackberry) had me at only 1200 calories/day.  That is not a lot, people.  I did some research and found some other websites and I think I'm going to aim for 1500 until I lose some weight.  Weighing less should bring my BMR down, which in turn, lowers my daily calorie limit.




Or I could just hang myself.

I gave in and made an appointment with a dermatologist; they can't get me in until March 23rd, though.  I did try another facility, and their wait is even longer.  One doc's wait is up to Sept!  Anyway, my fingers are frickin' killing me.  Every time I touch paper at work, it feels like I'm touching acid.  My face rash is coming back as well.  I'm very afraid to let it go, though.  If it does turn out to be Lupus, that rash can scar your skin.  (That's what messed up Seal's face.)  I don't want that to happen.

Chest pains

Tomorrow the weight loss challenge begins.  We get weighed in.  Can't wait to see what I'm up to.  =|  I'm definitely going to try to walk on the treadmill.  Don't know how I'm going to do any other kind of exercise; my chest has been hurting for the past couple weeks.  Just bending over to get clothes out of the dryer today was alarmingly painful.  Seems to be twisting movements.  I feel like my breastbone might crack or something.  It's still bothering me now, even though I took three ibuprofen.

I did some research...on myself.  I copied and pasted my old blog into a MS Word file and edited it to maybe one day be a book.  Well, I looked up when my face started bothering me the first time.  It was Jan. '05.  Seven years ago.  I've been dealing with this cycle of eczema/steroid cream for seven years.

Maybe I should go to a holistic healing person.  Get a detox foot bath and have my palms read.  I need to do something.  Every time I go to the doctor they think nothing's wrong with me.

Sexy by Spring

The other weight loss team's name was leaked!  They're going with "Sassy by Summer".  We, naturally being one-uppers, went with "Sexy by Spring" as our team name.  Weigh-in is the 27th, so I still have some time to fatten up!

I keep telling myself to walk on the treadmill, but I end up playing Star Wars.  =\  I need to make some kind of chart; for every hour I play SWTOR, I need to walk a mile on the treadmill...or something like that.

I watched Beetlejuice for the first time the other night.  I wasn't allowed to watch it when it came out...and after seeing it, I understand why.  Someone should remake it, though.  I think now, with CGI and all that fun stuff, it could be really amazing.  Not 3D, though!  Holy crap, enough stuff is 3D.

Still grappling with myself on whether to get my hair cut or not.  Again, it all depends on the money.  No money=no hair cut at all.  I want to chop it off, but then I don't.  I don't want to draw unwanted attention to my fat head.  It's not long enough to donate to Locks of Love and have a decent amount of hair left.  Argh!  Decisions!

Dreams and aspirations on my way home from work

I was driving home after picking up some Micky D's for Christopher (who sprained his ankle, see below) and I had a revelation.  I have no idea why, but I thought about being a teacher and how, at first, the students wouldn't believe anything I say (like I never believed my teachers).  But years later, when they're my age, they would understand and say, "Hey, Mrs. Knight was right!" and that felt good.

But I would have a Billy Madison moment if I was a teacher.  Instead of the fat, young kid, though, I'd grab the skinny girls who think they're fat (or the kids that say they can't wait to move out on their own) and cry, "Don't you say that. Don't you ever say that. Stay here. Stay here as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it!"

Anyway, Chris fell down our stairs yesterday.  I had to leave work to take him to the ER (yes, I pretty much just dropped him off at the ER doors and raced back to work...I only get half an hour for lunch!)  His foot/ankle is pretty swollen.  They said it was sprained.  I had to leave work again to go pick him up since he didn't have house keys.  They gave him crutches.  I tied an old purse to one of his crutches so that he can carry stuff around with him.  Thank God this happened while he's laid off.  Hopefully it's better before he gets called back to work.

It's really slow at work tonight.  I walked out to the quiet fax machines and instinctively said, "Wow, did the rapture happen?  Was I left behind?"  There's a story behind that.  In elementary school, it was seemingly required that in Bible class you watched the series of movies starting with A Thief in the Night.

Yeah, high quality stuff.  Circa the 1970's, the movies are all about the Rapture happening because of computers.  The Mark of the Beast is a binary 666 tattoo.  Anyway, I distinctly remember a friend and myself  being terrified after that of the Rapture happening.  One of us would come to school and tell the other one how she walked downstairs and no one was home; there's usually a pile of clothes sitting somewhere.  Instant fear: the Rapture left you behind.

PS.  They executed the people who became Christians via guillotine.  I wonder if the teachers at that school know how much those movies scarred me and pretty much shaped my childhood...and fear of guillotines.

Feeling better

I had a nurse at work take my BP and compare it to the electronic one my mom gave me.  It was pretty close...and my BP was normal.  So, suck it, doctor.  I'm not doing a low-salt diet, but I have been trying to drink diet pop instead of my usual Mountain Dew.  ='(

I finally gave in and bought Star Wars so I could play with Chris and our usual gang over the weekend.  Not sure how long I'll play tonight; gotta take Damian to preschool Tues-Thurs at 9 in the morning.  O_o

Don't tell Chris, but I bought another pregnancy test.  It was negative, of course.  I don't know why I let myself believe it'll be anything different.  I just feel like I'm getting fatter no matter what I do. 

F*#@ me

It sucks to be fat and lazy.

Heard from the doctor.  He doesn't want to put me on meds; he wants me to exercise and lose weight first.  Hooray.  =|  I'm considering getting a second opinion.  I've gained 5-10 pounds since the last time I was at the doctor.  My BP was 117/72 then.  I can't imagine ten pounds raising it that much.  I actually commented to the girl the last time I was there that I wouldn't worry about being fat until it affects my BP....maybe I shot myself in the foot by saying that.

I did do more research on Cushings.  I have almost every symptom except the "buffalo hump".  I do have a hump, but it's not fatty, it's bony.  My vertebra prominens sticks out there; it's really noticeable.  Probably more so since I got a nautical star tattooed over it.  Anyway, it was scary reading the symptoms but I feel like such a dweeb going to the doctor all the time and saying, "Hey, I think I have this; test me for it," and then being wrong.

10 Hour Day

Working 10 hours today.  I don't really mind...though I just ate a whole bin of cheesecake.  I really need to lose some weight.  Really.  I need to look like that pic of me on the top of this page; skinnier, even, because I think then I was still considered "over weight".  I tried zipping up my hoodie today- tight.  I'm down to one or two hoodies that don't cut my blood circulation off at the waist.  I should just kill myself now.

My face is looking more moon-ish as the days go by.  Maybe I have Cushings?  I'll Google that when I'm done here and read about it again.

My blood pressure check tomorrow is free, so I'm still going to go.  At least I won't have to pay them to tell me I'm retarded and nothing else is wrong with me.  Story of my life!

Until I was in my twenties, my family went to this one doctor not too far from our house.  It was a Catholic place (if that makes a difference) and the physician assistant was a nun.  Neither the doctor nor the PA ever believed me or my mom when we went there.  I told the dr. that Allegra gave me nosebleeds.  She laughed.  Not the most appropriate response.  When I saw the PA because I hadn't had my period for six months, she asked, "Could you be pregnant?"  I said, "No, I've never had sex."  She then proceeded to get a urine sample to do a pregnancy test...that I had to pay for out of pocket (and I could've gone to the grocery store and gotten one for 1/5 the amount they charged me).

I sincerely hope tomorrow when I go for my blood pressure check that it'll be high or out of whack and they'll do a blood pregnancy test and it'll be positive.  Then I won't feel like such a fat piece of crap.

Hit a wall

Well, I hit a wall in the whole "getting published" thing.  I'm working on a query and a "marketing" essay question answer.  I just can't concentrate and work on it.  Why?  Because I'm trying to get my Shadow Priest to level 85 in Wow, of course!

I was thinking; I don't think I realize how fat I am.  It's like it sneaked up on me.  We were talking to someone today who said she'd lost 50 pounds and was now just under 200 lbs.  That puts her a dozen or so pounds heavier than I, but if I look like she does, someone needs to put me out of my misery.  I don't think I look THAT fat...or do I?  Maybe I just don't realize how big I am.  In my mind, I'm still the 150 lbs I was when I worked at NAC (and thought I was fat then).  And it's not just the way I look that bothers me.  I really feel like I can't do anything.  Going up stairs is really hard.  At my cousin's house on the Fourth of July, I was trying to climb up onto the trampoline and my legs just wouldn't move.  I was willing my left leg to go up onto the springs, but it wouldn't.  I felt like a 'tard, mainly because my sister and her boyfriend had successfully made it into the trampoline with no problems.

Now with my tendonitis in my hand and shoulder, it makes me extra retarded trying to do stuff.  I noticed the other day when I was washing dishes that my hands get tired really easily and my right hand (the one with tendonitis) can't hold anything right.  I guess I am getting old, but I find it hard to believe that my chronic tendonitis, muscle weakness, eczema, weight gain, and all my hormonal problems aren't associated some how.

Oh, someday I'll have health insurance and find a doctor who will try to figure out what's wrong with me.  My health insurance from Home Nursing should kick in around September.  Thankfully, I think on August 1 our vision insurance will be active.  Chris really needs to get his eyes checked and get new glasses.  I wouldn't mind having some new glasses as well.

I always find cute frames, ok?  I try them on, they look cute.  But my eyes are so bad, that the lenses make my eyes look tiny and suddenly, I'm not so cute anymore.  Blah.