It's finally happened!

I know it's been a while since I posted here, but I didn't have much to say.  Just the same whining about life and how it sucks.  Chris got fired back in November and we've been barely staying afloat since.  We got a new kitty, one that my sister-in-law had rescued and they were giving away.  Her name is Pumpkin and she's super cute!

Barbara, a friend of mine at work, got me using an app called Zombie 5k.  It's pretty awesome.  I'd recommend it to anyone who wants to train to run/jog.  It was always something I wished I could do, and with this app, it not only trains you to eventually run a 5k, but it also puts you into the story and will mix in your own music.

Anyway, I had been doing the Zombie run for about a month, and, to be honest, I only really started it to see if losing weight would help me get pregnant.  Since the clomid hadn't worked alone or with metformin, I figured I'd give running a shot before I started on some crazy vegan diet or something.  So, a month of walking/running and then there comes a night where my boobs hurt to much to do it.  Granted, my boobs have been hurting a lot since I stopped clomid (which I took as a good sign that my hormones were finally in line) so it wasn't anything new.  But I just felt...super bloated?  I guess you could describe it that way.  I started the program but ended it early two or three times.

The following week, I got two nosebleeds, which is weird for me.  I never get nosebleeds.  I also couldn't sit with my pants buttoned.  I began to suspect I was pregnant, but then again, I always suspect that and I'm always wrong.

My period was supposed to come on August 31st, which was when my family's Labor Day picnic was.  So, I went prepared to get my period at any moment, especially if I went in the pool.  One 4th of July at the same aunt's house, my period was late and I was all excited to only find it had started after I got out of the pool.  Yay.

I had such a strong feeling, though, that night I couldn't sleep.  I actually got up at 2 AM and found a cheap-o pregnancy test that I was sure was expired.  I peed in a cup and dipped the tester in.  Two lines showed up.  I was shaking.  I quickly took a picture and sent it to Barbara (because I knew it wouldn't wake her up.)  After that, it was really hard to go back to sleep, but eventually I did.

I had to work the next morning and stopped and got Tylenol (for my lack-of-sleep headache) and prenatal vitamins.  I sent the picture I took the night before to Chris and he had no idea what it was.  So I told him.  "It's positive.  It says I'm pregnant."  He told me not to get my hopes up, like the so many other times I have and then been let down.  We went grocery shopping later after work and I grabbed a digital test.  He wanted me to wait until morning, but I couldn't, so I took it right after we got back from the store.  It clearly said "Pregnant."

Long story short, today I am ten weeks and going to have a sonogram tomorrow.  I've been thinking about taking a belly pic, but I was fat to begin with, so not sure how good it would be.  People have been telling me that I'm losing weight, which I'm not sure how to feel about that.

Friends

I don't know why I keep thinking my friends from high school will always be there for me, when time and time again they've proven to be absolute a-holes. Not all of them, of course. It seems the ones closest to me are now the farthest from me. Why do I let that bother me? I'm really trying to let it go, but what kind of person am I that my only friends are people I know through my husband or the girls I met in the year and half I've worked at Home Nursing Agency?

The one I call my "best friend" just had a birthday party for her one-year-old. With her moving to and from Tukey for the past few years, we haven't had much time to hang out. She missed my wedding because she was in Turkey, but I was able to go to hers. The only reason we started hanging out more recently was her crazy sister sent me horrible messages on Facebook that made me cry for a few hours straight. I took some personal days so I wouldn't lose them at the end of the year and texted her, but never heard back. Last night, I signed on to Facebook (where I've only added a few selective people) and saw pictures from her kid's birthday party. Granted, I was most likely working (as that's what I'm doing now), but I was a little upset that I wasn't invited or even told about it.

The clincher was the pictures of her, her pregnant crazy sister, my ex-best friend (who has a daughter), and another girl we went to school with (who is pregnant to guy #3 and has two kids to two other guys) and everyone's commenting, "Look at the beautiful mothers gathered!" Is that why I wasn't invited? I'm not a mom? I go to Damian's and Chassity's parties when they have them at Chuckie Cheese's. So what I don't have kids to play with stuff there.

Chris pointed out that she may not have invited me because of my ex-bff being there, but still, she could've sent me a text or something. Originally last night, I had my Blogger app open on my phone and was desperately hacking out this post with my thumbs, but Chris came up and asked what I was doing and I lost it. I cried for a bit, he cheered me up, and I deleted what I had written. But it's still bothering me today and I wanted to write about it.

The doctor put me on metformin (which I kinda figured he would) after I had made an appointment because it felt like there was a bowling ball sitting on my bladder. I was afraid I was getting gigantic cysts that would explode or something. He said he couldn't feel any cysts (but my insides cried all day after that) and prescribed metformin. He also switched my Clomid to a lower dose for when I'm on the met. I had just finished my 100 mg Clomid packet before I saw him, so in about a week, I'll be taking the 50 mg again. Chris thinks I should try to lose weight and that has crossed my mind as well. Even though, my "girl part" troubles started when I was 16 and weighed 125, it wouldn't hurt to try to slim down a bit. I was looking at some DVDs on Amazon, Yoga for Fertility and such. I don't know; I get in the mood to do stuff to improve myself, but then I sit back and think, "Why?" Why would I ever think it would help? Why do I start things and never finish? Why do I have no will power?

Deactivated facebook

As of last night, I have deactivated my facebook.  Why? you ask.  Because I am naive.  I though all my former classmates and acquaintances would be mature, non-obtrusive, and supportive of me.  I was very wrong.  It's high school all over again.  I got a message from a former classmate complaining to me about things someone told her I said about pregnant women, and she took it personally.  She went on to say how wrong I was to not like her just because she got pregnant, and I have no idea how long it took someone to get pregnant.  Yadda, yadda, long message short, she was just letting me know how big a piece of shit I am for deleting her.  I replied that just because I delete someone on facebook doesn't mean I don't want to be friends with them, I just don't want to see the baby posts.  Do you know how hard it is to see people posting their positive pregnancy tests when every pregnancy test you took (for 5+ years) was negative?  I tried to explain that it's my problem, no one else's and it's my issues, no one else's, and that I never said anything bad about any of my pregnant friends.  She replied that two people on two separate occasions told her about my posts (which were just that I was deleting pregnant friends and I shared an inspiration picture with a friend of mine who also has trouble getting pregnant).  Awesome.  So, two someones on my freaking friends list made it a point to tell my newly-pregnant classmate that I, basically, hate her.

I was dead wrong in thinking people would understand why I was deleting my pregnant friends.  They don't.  They just judged me.  I'm a huge piece of shit because I can't handle seeing people I don't talk to anymore posting their pregnancy feeds.  Well, blow me.

A little peeved

At least four girls on my facebook friends list are pregnant.  I'm seriously considering deleting them.  I just can't handle it any more.  "Oops, look at this!  Ha ha, I'm pregnant!  I had no idea!  We weren't even trying!"  Vomit.

Don't listen to anyone who says that life is fair.  It's not.  There's good luck and bad luck.  Some people just end up on the bad luck end of things.

One step forward, two steps back

Well, I missed the "official" Employee Health weigh in.  I need to stop at the corporate offices to get weighed some time.  Getting a little discouraged that the scale isn't moving.  Still can't squeeze into my AE jeans that I miss wearing.  =(  Here's a comparison photo, though:

I guess there's a little change...and not just my hair color and style or makeup...though that is part of it; and Chris pointed out the pic was taken at two different angles.  Whatever.  I think I need to get back to my yoga for weight loss DVD.  I can't decide if I'm eating too many calories or not enough.

I was talking about my finger/hand rash (btw, did I mention the doctor told me what it was?  Dishydrotic eczema...and I got a ginormous tube of steroid cream for it:

Crazy, right?  If the derm wouldn't have given me a card for it to be free, it would've been $600...or so said the pharmacist).  Anyway, what was I saying?  Oh yeah, I was talking about it at work and saying how I don't think the steroid cream/Vaseline/white gloves routine is working.  My boss said she has it too and that hand sanitizer helps hers and hers is an autoimmune thing.  A nurse I work with was in on the convo and said, "I think Mary has an autoimmune disorder undiagnosed."  So I did some Googling for autoimmune and amenorrhea.  I found some scary things, people.  Scary things.  I did, however, make an appointment to talk to the "head" gyno at my new office about my getting pregnant.  That's on the 18th.  *fingers crossed for answers!*

I cannot get into the new book I'm working on.  Like The Midst (that I redid for NaNoWriMo), it's a story I had written before (and actually finished it!) but now realize sucked, so I want to rework it.  I just can't get into the groove for some reason.

I was glad when the calls from debt collectors stopped, but now I'm getting letters from lawyers.  I wish I could tell all these people that I owe money to, "Look, I do want to pay you back.  I HATE having this hang over my head, but credit card bills are not on my priority list...it goes car payment, groceries, water, electricity, gas, internet, Dish, and other crap.  Cat food goes in there somewhere.  UGH.  And I think my student loan payments are due again.  Someone remind me to call them.  =\

Stuck

Since I've "lost" the initial 15 pounds of this weight-loss challenge, I haven't lost any more.  I tried to incorporate jogging into my treadmill workouts, but my lower legs get tired too easily (I later came to realize these are called "shin splints"? and happen because my feet are flat).  I did belly dancing last night and remembered why I tried to give the DVD away the first time.

I've been reading through the message boards on MyFitnessPal.com and taking a look at what other girls with PCOS (which is still undetermined if I have it or not) are doing about getting stuck in their weight loss.  Some suggest cinnamon, others chromium.  A few suggested Vitex; it's a supplement that stimulates progestin...progesterone?  I can never remember what that hormone is.  I had my parents pick me up a bottle and this is my second day taking it.

I was going to do yoga or something tonight, but as the day goes on, my leg bones hurt more and more.  It came on suddenly.  I just popped three ibuprofen; I really do not want to move my legs at all.  I'm also cramping, but I can't tell if it's the Vitex working or if I'm just going to have to poop later.  =\

A theory one girl on the message boards had for my leg tireness and shin splints was my shoes.  I do need new shoes, but I know I'll never have the money to buy them.  I don't even have money to pay bills most of the time.

Went to a new gyno the other day and they did some blood tests.  I'm hoping they get back to me pretty soon with some kind of answers.  Whether it's just putting me back on Metformin or what, I need to get a move on.  We were looking up this fertility clinic near us today at work and 35 is the magic number.  They pretty much want you to use donor eggs after 35.  So I have 6 years to try and pop out however many kids Chris and I want.

Pissy mood

Ugh, I have been in such a pissy mood this past week and a half.  I couldn't figure out why.  I just wanted to sleep; been stress eating and craving stuff- I drove to Sheetz in the middle of the night because I NEEDED Mountain Dew and something chocolate.  (I thought the next day I would get my period or something, but no.)  It took me a couple days, but I did eventually figure it out: we just learned that someone on Chris's side of the family is pregnant...again...to a guy who has three kids to a different chick, who was told she couldn't have kids.  I should've realized it sooner.  Almost every time I find out someone's pregnant (who I don't think deserves it, if that makes any sense at all) I get in a horrible mood.  Why?  Because, frankly, it's not fair.  And I'm gonna end on that note before I go off on some kind of rampage.

A coworker brought in a list of foods that are beneficial, neutral, or awful for blood types.  I mentioned that I don't know my blood type and coworkers suggested I call and ask my doctor's office.  Well, the lady who answered the phone laughed at me when I asked, and she said something about blood work.  I told her I've had blood work done by them before, and she went to ask a nurse.  When she came back, she told me "no"; they have to actually order a blood typing test to find it out.  Everyone at the office said to go donate blood; they type your blood there.  I said, "Do you want me to pass out and/or throw up in front of a complete stranger?"  There are kits you can buy online, but that costs money, which I don't have.

I've been applying for part time jobs around, but haven't heard anything back from anyone yet.  Ulta probably saw my facebook page and didn't want my face behind their counters; there went THAT application.

10 Hour Day

Working 10 hours today.  I don't really mind...though I just ate a whole bin of cheesecake.  I really need to lose some weight.  Really.  I need to look like that pic of me on the top of this page; skinnier, even, because I think then I was still considered "over weight".  I tried zipping up my hoodie today- tight.  I'm down to one or two hoodies that don't cut my blood circulation off at the waist.  I should just kill myself now.

My face is looking more moon-ish as the days go by.  Maybe I have Cushings?  I'll Google that when I'm done here and read about it again.

My blood pressure check tomorrow is free, so I'm still going to go.  At least I won't have to pay them to tell me I'm retarded and nothing else is wrong with me.  Story of my life!

Until I was in my twenties, my family went to this one doctor not too far from our house.  It was a Catholic place (if that makes a difference) and the physician assistant was a nun.  Neither the doctor nor the PA ever believed me or my mom when we went there.  I told the dr. that Allegra gave me nosebleeds.  She laughed.  Not the most appropriate response.  When I saw the PA because I hadn't had my period for six months, she asked, "Could you be pregnant?"  I said, "No, I've never had sex."  She then proceeded to get a urine sample to do a pregnancy test...that I had to pay for out of pocket (and I could've gone to the grocery store and gotten one for 1/5 the amount they charged me).

I sincerely hope tomorrow when I go for my blood pressure check that it'll be high or out of whack and they'll do a blood pregnancy test and it'll be positive.  Then I won't feel like such a fat piece of crap.