I did research on Trisomy 13 and got my hopes up a bit when I saw there were some kids living with it. I even registered for basic things in case he did make it to delivery. I picked out the name Matthew Alexander and somehow managed to go on with my life, though there would be times at work where I would break down and cry. My doctor told me that she would let me be pregnant with Matthew for as long as possible, except not past 41 weeks. I was glad for that; I had read about a lot of other girls being induced earlier. I was also keeping track of my blood pressure as the risk for pre-eclampsia is higher with Trisomy babies.
February 25, after a week of having a head and chest cold, I went to the hospital. I had been swelling for a couple days and my blood pressure was higher than normal; the on call doc suggested I go to maternity just to be safe. They hooked me up to all the monitors and I got to hear Matthew's heartbeat. Later, the doctor came in and told me I was having contractions. I didn't feel them and they thought that maybe I was dehydrated. So they hooked me up to fluids and monitored the contractions. They didn't slow down so they gave me a shot. The shot helped a little, but they were still happening, so they gave me another dose. Apparently, a side effect of whatever drug they gave me was rapid heart beat because my heart rate went up into the 130's. I mean, the bed was shaking with every beat. Eventually, the contractions slowed down enough and I got to go home in the morning of February 26 (my mom's birthday.)
Just a few days later, that next Saturday, Matthew wasn't as active as he normally was. I hadn't eaten in a while, though, so I went to lunch with Chris and stuffed myself, thinking that would get him going. I felt him do a little kick here and there, but it wasn't his usual. That night, I got more worried and did all the suggested things I read on Google: cold water, caffeine, etc. He wouldn't move. The next day, after Chris went to work, I called the on call doctor again and she said to go to the hospital. I had my mom drive me and I let Chris know so he could leave work. They hooked me up to the monitors again and this time, no heartbeat. Chris got there in time for me to be sent down to ultrasound to be sure. I couldn't see the screen, but he could; he said there was no heartbeat. I cried the whole way up to the room. My doctor was called and she came in and we talked about my options. I could go home for a couple days or just stay there and be induced. I couldn't think about going home knowing that Matthew had died. I chose to just stay there and get induced.
Sunday March 1st was when I was admitted. They tried cytotech at first, that didn't do anything except give me horrible cramps. Monday I was hooked up to an epidural. They upped the dose of cytotech and eventually added pitocin, but nothing was happening. Tuesday, they put a foley bulb against my cervix and filled it with fluid to simulate the baby's head and that started things a little bit. Next step was sea weed; they did that on Wednesday sometime and by 7 I was ready to go. Matthew Alexander Knight was born sleeping at 7:55 PM on Wednesday March 4, 2015. He weighed 2 lbs 15 1/2 oz. Mom, Dad, and Chris were in the room and we all held Matthew for a bit. His skin was so soft.
The doctor had talked about sending him down for tissue samples to get more genetic information, so later that night they took him down to the morgue. I think I had them come in and give me something to sleep, I don't really remember much after they took him. The next morning, a nurse woke me up to tell me they were moving me. They ran out of birthing rooms and needed mine, so they stuck me in a room with someone else. That really added to my anxiety and I cried for hours. At one point, another nurse came in to check on me and I asked if I could have Matthew back. She said it was hospital policy that after an autopsy I couldn't have him back so I said to cancel the autopsy. The nurse left and came back stating that she had Matthew set up in a private room and I could go visit. She had put us in the on call doctor room so I got to hold Matthew for a while. The palliative care doctor came in at one point and talked to me while I held him, but I don't remember much of that conversation. Later on, I laid down on the bed with him and finally got some sleep.
Eventually, my roommate was discharged and we headed back to the room. Chris was back by this time so we got to spend time with Matthew. A few hours later, I was discharged. Saying goodbye to my baby was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. They gave us a memory box that had a blanket of his in it, along with hospital bracelets, and a little bag with locks of his hair in it.
Another hard thing I had to do was make the decision to bury or cremate my son. No one should ever have to make that decision for a baby, but I had to. I had kind of decided early on that I wanted him cremated so I could have him here at home. We don't have a family burial plot or anything, so I couldn't imagine him buried somewhere away from me. The funeral home was nice enough to do it for free and now I have Matthew's ashes in the bedroom that should've been his.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss Matthew. I would give anything to have him back. Thankfully, along this painful journey I've met other women going through this so I don't feel so alone. Any subsequent pregnancies I might have will be labeled high-risk because of Matthew's Trisomy diagnosis...also, probably because of my PCOS and increasing age.
Every day I ask myself why. Why me? Why my first child? Why my baby? Why? There are no answers except to say that this world is cursed and temporary. It brings me some peace to know that some day I will see Matthew again.
Very beautiful Mary. Thank you for sharing <3
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