I'm my own worst enemy

September 28, 2017.  I took a pregnancy test because my period was late.  It was positive.  October 2, I made the announcement on Facebook.  October 5, I had my first doctor's appointment and they scheduled my first ultrasound for the 18th.  October 11, I spent a couple hours in the ER with bleeding and the doctor told me I'm probably having a miscarriage.

I hate to admit, but this whole pregnancy (all two and half weeks of it), I had a horrible feeling that something would go wrong.  I held off on telling my students at Penn Highlands, which I'm thankful for now. 

I thought since I had gone through the worst thing that could happen already (losing Matthew) that I was immune from anything else happening.  And now, I'm my own worst enemy.  I'm telling myself everything you're not supposed to say when someone has a miscarriage.

Did I jinx myself by announcing it so early?  Was it because I kept thinking something would go wrong that something DID go wrong?  At least I know I can get pregnant.  At least I have Violet.  At least it happened early on and not later.  Was it something I did?  Maybe I carried Violet too much.  Maybe I didn't eat well enough.  Maybe it's because I follow all kind of baby loss pages on Facebook.  Was it because of my stomach surgery?

Obviously, I realize it has nothing to do with anything I did, but you can't help thinking that.  I tortured myself with what I had done when we got Matthew's diagnosis, even though my doctors assured me it was just a fluke.

And I don't mind that I announced it early and now have to announce the sad news.  Too often, miscarriages are taboo.  No one talks about them, even though 1 in 4 woman have had one.  I want others to know they're not alone.  Just like I don't mind talking about my PCOS and fertility issues.  Anytime I can raise awareness for these issues, I do.

I'm supposed to go to my OB/Gyn on Monday to get another HCG level drawn, but I might see if they'll let me get it done tomorrow sometime.  My HCG levels should be doubling every 48-72 hours.  Mine was only 183 last night at the ER and they couldn't see anything on the ultrasound.

Updates

I haven't been here in a while.  A lot has gone on.  Thanksgiving 2015 Chris and I announced that we were pregnant again.  This baby was a girl and she was due on July 26th.  She came 10 days early via C section (she has a huge head.)  Her name is Violet Mae and she's a ball of fun and energy.  So, I haven't had much time to sit down and write.

I took down the Fibrous Dysplasia page because, after the nuclear bone scan I had three years ago and recent CT scans of my abdomen (see the Morgagni Hernia page), I'm fairly certain Altoona hospital misdiagnosed me seven or eight years ago when they said that's what I had.

I'm not going to make any promises about keeping this blog up, but I hate to let it sit there since I've had a blog for 16 years now.  We'll see.