Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Bad days

I brought in some pictures of Matthew today at work to put on my bulletin board.  It brought back a wave of emotions.  I broke down a few times today and cried in my office.  I miss him.  It hurts me to think that it was somehow my fault, the Trisomy diagnosis.  I realize it isn't, but I can't help feeling like it is and why did it have to be my baby it happened to?

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

"God gave to me a child in part"

God gave to me a child in part,
Yet wholly gave the father's heart:
Child of my soul, O whither now,
Unborn, unmothered, goest thou?

You came, you went, and no man wist;
Hapless, my child, no breast you kist;
On no dear knees, a privileged babbler, clomb,
Nor knew the kindly feel of home.

My voice may reach you, O my dear-
A father's voice perhaps the child may hear;
And, pitying, you may turn your view
On that poor father whom you never knew.

Alas! alone he sits, who then,
Immortal among mortal men,
Sat hand in hand with love, and all day through
With your dear mother wondered over you.

-Robert Louis Stevenson

Monday, March 30, 2015


Please see my Matthew Alexander & Trisomy 13 page for updated information on my pregnancy.

Monday, October 13, 2014

It's finally happened!

I know it's been a while since I posted here, but I didn't have much to say.  Just the same whining about life and how it sucks.  Chris got fired back in November and we've been barely staying afloat since.  We got a new kitty, one that my sister-in-law had rescued and they were giving away.  Her name is Pumpkin and she's super cute!

Barbara, a friend of mine at work, got me using an app called Zombie 5k.  It's pretty awesome.  I'd recommend it to anyone who wants to train to run/jog.  It was always something I wished I could do, and with this app, it not only trains you to eventually run a 5k, but it also puts you into the story and will mix in your own music.

Anyway, I had been doing the Zombie run for about a month, and, to be honest, I only really started it to see if losing weight would help me get pregnant.  Since the clomid hadn't worked alone or with metformin, I figured I'd give running a shot before I started on some crazy vegan diet or something.  So, a month of walking/running and then there comes a night where my boobs hurt to much to do it.  Granted, my boobs have been hurting a lot since I stopped clomid (which I took as a good sign that my hormones were finally in line) so it wasn't anything new.  But I just felt...super bloated?  I guess you could describe it that way.  I started the program but ended it early two or three times.

The following week, I got two nosebleeds, which is weird for me.  I never get nosebleeds.  I also couldn't sit with my pants buttoned.  I began to suspect I was pregnant, but then again, I always suspect that and I'm always wrong.

My period was supposed to come on August 31st, which was when my family's Labor Day picnic was.  So, I went prepared to get my period at any moment, especially if I went in the pool.  One 4th of July at the same aunt's house, my period was late and I was all excited to only find it had started after I got out of the pool.  Yay.

I had such a strong feeling, though, that night I couldn't sleep.  I actually got up at 2 AM and found a cheap-o pregnancy test that I was sure was expired.  I peed in a cup and dipped the tester in.  Two lines showed up.  I was shaking.  I quickly took a picture and sent it to Barbara (because I knew it wouldn't wake her up.)  After that, it was really hard to go back to sleep, but eventually I did.

I had to work the next morning and stopped and got Tylenol (for my lack-of-sleep headache) and prenatal vitamins.  I sent the picture I took the night before to Chris and he had no idea what it was.  So I told him.  "It's positive.  It says I'm pregnant."  He told me not to get my hopes up, like the so many other times I have and then been let down.  We went grocery shopping later after work and I grabbed a digital test.  He wanted me to wait until morning, but I couldn't, so I took it right after we got back from the store.  It clearly said "Pregnant."

Long story short, today I am ten weeks and going to have a sonogram tomorrow.  I've been thinking about taking a belly pic, but I was fat to begin with, so not sure how good it would be.  People have been telling me that I'm losing weight, which I'm not sure how to feel about that.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

My Supernatural dream

I got caught up on the new Supernatural episode last night, which in turn fueled a weird dream.  Satan had taken over a warehouse and stationed himself in the center via spider webs.  As if that weren't creepy enough, he was surrounded by every kind of monster known to man and they were killing all the humans.  Someone cut a small piece of Satan's leg or pants off to make Sam meld into him (Sam was originally Satan's vessel) and something else happened to Dean, I can't remember.  Anyway, there was no one to save us from Satan.  There was a restaurant in the warehouse and Satan cast a spell over it to make it look normal.  A group of heroes (probably absorbed from my playing Diablo III last night as well) traveled to the warehouse to defeat Satan.  They knew how to kill all the various monsters and they did, but some of the monsters were kids.  There was a separate monster fight where I was fighting, too, but it was very disjointed and complicated; I don't remember much of it, other than it was husbands killing their new brides.  The heroes made it to the floor with the restaurant and they walked into the trap Satan had lain.  Most of them died.

Not sure what happened after that, but suddenly we were in a war and Crowley (the "king" of hell) was on our side (kinda like the episode I watched.)  People were out to kill him and I was sad because I liked him.  There was also some side business of my trying to find a new house to live in and then moving everything in and decorating.  I ended up at a hotel where we were all gathered to prepare for the war.  They caught Crowley, but I created a distraction so he could get away.

The next thing I know, we were headed to a cave where it was rumored Dean had been.  The cave floor was covered in wet sand and I found a digital camera half-buried.  There were pictures and videos of Dean, but he still didn't believe he had been there, because the rumor was he had run away with another man.  Somehow, this other man found out where Dean was and wanted to join him in the "alternate" world (I guess, TV world?)  His family from the real world was chasing him and he shot them with a grenade launcher.

Sunday, November 17, 2013


Nothing like working on a weekend to get my mind wandering.  For some reason, I started remembering stuff from high school and right after graduation.

In HS, Katie's on-again-off-again boyfriend Timmy had a pager.  At the time, it was cool to have a pager, but also, only drug dealers had them.  Anyway, I used to page him with the numbers 1134, which, if you hold the pager right, says "hell."  Katie hated it.  But, what didn't she hate?

Then I thought about the time I was on third shift at NAC and Chris McConnell, who was in my brother's class, was our temp floor guy.  We got to talking (he also used to date Katie) and decided to hang out.  Katie caught wind and invited herself along.  I warned her that my car's AC wasn't working and it was a heat wave (and the car had leather seats.)  She ignored the warning and we picked her up.  She complained the whole time about how hot it was.  We stopped at McDonald's and she had someone come pick her up because she was too hot.  Chris and I ended up going to another classmate's house to hang out with more school kids.  Katie again caught word of it and wanted to hang out, too, but didn't want to use her gas to drive there herself (this was 2004, 2005...gas was what then?  Like, nothing?) so she spent hours calling around asking for a ride.  Chris and I ended up leaving because we had to go to work, and as we're driving down the lane, doesn't Katie come driving up next to us.  And, she was mad that we were leaving and we didn't tell her we were going to Amy's and blah blah blah.  All the while, my husband at the time calls and finds out I'm driving around with Chris and goes bonkers.  I tried telling him that I've known Chris forever and he was in my brother's grade and, therefore, is like a brother to me, but the ex-asshole is an ex for a number of reasons.