Friends

I don't know why I keep thinking my friends from high school will always be there for me, when time and time again they've proven to be absolute a-holes. Not all of them, of course. It seems the ones closest to me are now the farthest from me. Why do I let that bother me? I'm really trying to let it go, but what kind of person am I that my only friends are people I know through my husband or the girls I met in the year and half I've worked at Home Nursing Agency?

The one I call my "best friend" just had a birthday party for her one-year-old. With her moving to and from Tukey for the past few years, we haven't had much time to hang out. She missed my wedding because she was in Turkey, but I was able to go to hers. The only reason we started hanging out more recently was her crazy sister sent me horrible messages on Facebook that made me cry for a few hours straight. I took some personal days so I wouldn't lose them at the end of the year and texted her, but never heard back. Last night, I signed on to Facebook (where I've only added a few selective people) and saw pictures from her kid's birthday party. Granted, I was most likely working (as that's what I'm doing now), but I was a little upset that I wasn't invited or even told about it.

The clincher was the pictures of her, her pregnant crazy sister, my ex-best friend (who has a daughter), and another girl we went to school with (who is pregnant to guy #3 and has two kids to two other guys) and everyone's commenting, "Look at the beautiful mothers gathered!" Is that why I wasn't invited? I'm not a mom? I go to Damian's and Chassity's parties when they have them at Chuckie Cheese's. So what I don't have kids to play with stuff there.

Chris pointed out that she may not have invited me because of my ex-bff being there, but still, she could've sent me a text or something. Originally last night, I had my Blogger app open on my phone and was desperately hacking out this post with my thumbs, but Chris came up and asked what I was doing and I lost it. I cried for a bit, he cheered me up, and I deleted what I had written. But it's still bothering me today and I wanted to write about it.

The doctor put me on metformin (which I kinda figured he would) after I had made an appointment because it felt like there was a bowling ball sitting on my bladder. I was afraid I was getting gigantic cysts that would explode or something. He said he couldn't feel any cysts (but my insides cried all day after that) and prescribed metformin. He also switched my Clomid to a lower dose for when I'm on the met. I had just finished my 100 mg Clomid packet before I saw him, so in about a week, I'll be taking the 50 mg again. Chris thinks I should try to lose weight and that has crossed my mind as well. Even though, my "girl part" troubles started when I was 16 and weighed 125, it wouldn't hurt to try to slim down a bit. I was looking at some DVDs on Amazon, Yoga for Fertility and such. I don't know; I get in the mood to do stuff to improve myself, but then I sit back and think, "Why?" Why would I ever think it would help? Why do I start things and never finish? Why do I have no will power?

Shampoo issues

I should've just kept using Tressemme. But no. I had to try something new. I bought the Honey I'm Strong line from Herbal Essence and it made my hair feel like crap. Then I bought Head and Shoulders Smooth and Silky. After two uses there was significant build up. Ugh. So I went back to the store and got some Tressemme Deep Cleansing and washed my hair in the kitchen sink at 3 in the morning. I should've washed it twice because it's still gross. The pic is me using a paper clip to hold my greasy bangs back.

Doctor visit fun

I had to make an appointment with my doc to get refills. (Oh, apparently Prozac is an SSRI and I had no idea. I feel like a total moron.) Anyway, while I was there I mentioned all my joint pain. Right hand, right shoulder, left elbow. These really random places I'm getting "tendonitis". She asked who told me I had tendonitis; I said the doctor I normally see (she was a PA). She referred me to one of the orthopods that make visits to that office because he would be more knowledgeable. I was happy about that...until the appointment.

He was a nice guy, down to earth, funny...but he totally misunderstood the whole reason I was there. I was hoping to get referred for physical therapy to get exercises I could do that won't hurt me somehow. Instead, he showed me a few stretches and told me to do push ups off a wall. I mentioned my fibrous dysplasia (along with my fear of bone pain and fractures) and asked, "Do you know what that is?" because most people don't; the ER docs took four hours to figure it out. He said, "Yeah, exercise will help your flare ups." I didn't realize at that time (because I have a tendency to turn into a complete idiot when I'm at the doctor's) but he totally thought I said fibromyalgia, which is completely different.

I wish I could call the office up and be like, "Look, give Dr. What's-his-name a message: I said fibrous dysplasia not fibromyalgia, so give me the right treatment." And then I think, why should I have to quality check my doctor's decisions? Why should I have to keep calling around trying to find someone who knows what's wrong with me? It's very frustrating.

I'm on my seventh month of Clomid. Thinking about taking a break for a bit. Got some work things going on and it would be nice not to have to pluck my chin every other day. I also think I'm getting a bunch of cysts on my ovaries. I have pinching pains every once in a while in my abdomen and I feel constantly full down there...and no, it's not just my fat.

I don't know what to do exercise wise. Now my knees have been bothering me. They've always popped; all my life I could crack my knees. But now they feel unstable, there's grinding and other noises when I go down stairs. I've never been able to rest on my knees, it hurts too much. I've always thought my knee cap was too small. It's like the size of a quarter. I dunno. I'm scared to try to jog. Guess I could just go back to the treadmill, but everyone says that's bad for your knees, too. I think I'm just destined to be fat and out of shape forever. And it's a vicious cycle, because if I would lose weight, my knees would probably feel better. Oh well.

Proud of My Size Link-Up

I still care about nails

I took a break from nail polish for a while because nothing would stay on.  Even a clear coat came off the very next day (and I'm a picker; if it chips, it's gone).  I started thinking about what I was doing differently: I've been using OPI's Natural Nail Base Coat and Seche Vite top coat.  I dug around in my nail drawer and found I still have some base coat left in my bottle of Orly's rubberized base coat so I painted my nails using that.  That was Saturday or Sunday and I've only just now noticed a chip.  I think I'll be going back to Sally's to get another bottle of Orly!

Deactivated facebook

As of last night, I have deactivated my facebook.  Why? you ask.  Because I am naive.  I though all my former classmates and acquaintances would be mature, non-obtrusive, and supportive of me.  I was very wrong.  It's high school all over again.  I got a message from a former classmate complaining to me about things someone told her I said about pregnant women, and she took it personally.  She went on to say how wrong I was to not like her just because she got pregnant, and I have no idea how long it took someone to get pregnant.  Yadda, yadda, long message short, she was just letting me know how big a piece of shit I am for deleting her.  I replied that just because I delete someone on facebook doesn't mean I don't want to be friends with them, I just don't want to see the baby posts.  Do you know how hard it is to see people posting their positive pregnancy tests when every pregnancy test you took (for 5+ years) was negative?  I tried to explain that it's my problem, no one else's and it's my issues, no one else's, and that I never said anything bad about any of my pregnant friends.  She replied that two people on two separate occasions told her about my posts (which were just that I was deleting pregnant friends and I shared an inspiration picture with a friend of mine who also has trouble getting pregnant).  Awesome.  So, two someones on my freaking friends list made it a point to tell my newly-pregnant classmate that I, basically, hate her.

I was dead wrong in thinking people would understand why I was deleting my pregnant friends.  They don't.  They just judged me.  I'm a huge piece of shit because I can't handle seeing people I don't talk to anymore posting their pregnancy feeds.  Well, blow me.

Book titles

Not sure if I ever mentioned this before but I was in a theater watching the previews (it might have been before The Hang Over?) and this preview comes on that starts describing my book. Chris looked over at me and laughed but I just sat there in awe. The only difference was the main character was a guy instead of a girl. What movie was it? 17 Again. I was like, "Wow, I guess I can't use that title now!" It would have fit my story perfectly, too. I was so sad. I ended up deciding on Kayla's Second Chance, but I feel like I got gypped…by a movie that's not even that popular.