Blah

Well, Chris is off first shift and on third now, so I'm still in a funk. Though, hours of watching Supernatural at night have helped. Oh, those guys are so hot! Anyway, some quick updates. Chris hadn't paid his local taxes since 2004 and had gotten a letter in the mail about paying it back. He did. Then, he got another letter saying he needed to file returns for 2005-2011 in 10 days or they would file charges. After searching through the mess that is my file cabinet, I managed to find all his W2s for those years and he got his taxes done. He ended up owing them $57. Yeah...they were going to send him to jail for less than $60.

My mom turns 60 tomorrow, which means this year I'll be turning 30 in May. Every so often I feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis. It's hard to tell, though, if it's that or the clomid I'm taking. Speaking of which, no update there. Still on met and clomid. I think I have two months left before the doc gives up on me. I tried explaining to Chris why I'm so gung-ho about this. He thinks that we should wait til we have money (which will be never) and didn't know why I was always so upset when people talk about kids and whatnot. I tried to explain to him that the "specialist" the doc wants to refer me to will most likely recommend IVF or something and that's generally not covered by insurance. And then he said we could adopt. I explained to him how that also costs money. Anyway, I'm sick of thinking and talking about it.

I got the pink done in my hair again, but it's fading out already. I'm considering getting my hair cut short, but I'm not sure how Chris will feel about it. Last time I got bangs and highlights he said I looked like a lesbian. Yup, that's my husband.

Goodbye, statistics!

Dropped that stupid statistics class today! That's a huge weight off my shoulders. Now I only have one class and after that's done, hopefully I'll be all set up with St. Francis. I sent them my app today and should be faxing the rest of the info they need tomorrow.

Last night, I took the 10th or 11th OPK test of the two boxes I bought, and for the first time ever, the test line was almost as dark as the dummy line! Tonight I think they'll match! Maybe the metformin is helping after all!

Exploring more options

Just sent an email to an adult student advisor for St. Francis college, which is a little closer to home. They offer online classes and classes at locations near my house. The more I think about PCT, the more my stomach hurts with anxiety. I know I have statistic homework to do, but I don't know when it's due or how in the world I'm going to do it. Reading that book is like reading Hebrew.

I'm in a funk. I hate that Chris is working first shift. I come home, he's in bed. I feel like all I do is sit and watch TV alone. Well, not alone. I have Baby here with me. And Sam's stinky breath. When I get up, he's gone. Hopefully this doesn't last long.

Ugh

That's the general feeling I've had this week. The flu is going around and I think I'm fighting it off. Right now I feel feverish and like there's something boring through my forehead.

Classes officially started on the 14th. I got my books, they're horrible. My statistics syllabus is as thick as a novel and includes this wonderful tidbit, "WARNING-If you cannot spend 18 hours per week on this course (on average), then this distance-learning format is not right for you. Many students who have been working full time while being fulltime students have ended up withdrawing from this course in previous semesters." It also requires scanning my homework assignments, using something called Minitab (which I'll probably have to buy), and using a T84 (???) graphing calculator. I dropped off my signed syllabus "assignment" late. It is not looking good already.

I already drafted an email to my adviser a day or so before school started about dropping out, but I figured- I only have two classes, I already got student loans for them, it shouldn't be that hard. I really don't understand why I need this statistics class. I'm really starting to hate this school.

I should've researched a little more. I only chose PCT because it accepted South Hills credits, but barely. I mean, I took healthcare statistics. That made sense. Their online format is horrible, I think at least. Assignments are hidden in folders and links and it doesn't always prompt you when you're missing stuff. My management teacher...if I met her in real life, I'd punch her lights out. I didn't do any of the weekly assignments she listed because I didn't know where they were. Not once did she email me asking why I didn't do them. Her weekly emails had to be so many sentences and all kinds of other bull shit that I cannot deal with.

I miss South Hills. =( It would be awesome if Penn State had Health Information Management at the Altoona Campus. I could go there in the morning and then come to work at 1.

I can't think.

Friends

I don't know why I keep thinking my friends from high school will always be there for me, when time and time again they've proven to be absolute a-holes. Not all of them, of course. It seems the ones closest to me are now the farthest from me. Why do I let that bother me? I'm really trying to let it go, but what kind of person am I that my only friends are people I know through my husband or the girls I met in the year and half I've worked at Home Nursing Agency?

The one I call my "best friend" just had a birthday party for her one-year-old. With her moving to and from Tukey for the past few years, we haven't had much time to hang out. She missed my wedding because she was in Turkey, but I was able to go to hers. The only reason we started hanging out more recently was her crazy sister sent me horrible messages on Facebook that made me cry for a few hours straight. I took some personal days so I wouldn't lose them at the end of the year and texted her, but never heard back. Last night, I signed on to Facebook (where I've only added a few selective people) and saw pictures from her kid's birthday party. Granted, I was most likely working (as that's what I'm doing now), but I was a little upset that I wasn't invited or even told about it.

The clincher was the pictures of her, her pregnant crazy sister, my ex-best friend (who has a daughter), and another girl we went to school with (who is pregnant to guy #3 and has two kids to two other guys) and everyone's commenting, "Look at the beautiful mothers gathered!" Is that why I wasn't invited? I'm not a mom? I go to Damian's and Chassity's parties when they have them at Chuckie Cheese's. So what I don't have kids to play with stuff there.

Chris pointed out that she may not have invited me because of my ex-bff being there, but still, she could've sent me a text or something. Originally last night, I had my Blogger app open on my phone and was desperately hacking out this post with my thumbs, but Chris came up and asked what I was doing and I lost it. I cried for a bit, he cheered me up, and I deleted what I had written. But it's still bothering me today and I wanted to write about it.

The doctor put me on metformin (which I kinda figured he would) after I had made an appointment because it felt like there was a bowling ball sitting on my bladder. I was afraid I was getting gigantic cysts that would explode or something. He said he couldn't feel any cysts (but my insides cried all day after that) and prescribed metformin. He also switched my Clomid to a lower dose for when I'm on the met. I had just finished my 100 mg Clomid packet before I saw him, so in about a week, I'll be taking the 50 mg again. Chris thinks I should try to lose weight and that has crossed my mind as well. Even though, my "girl part" troubles started when I was 16 and weighed 125, it wouldn't hurt to try to slim down a bit. I was looking at some DVDs on Amazon, Yoga for Fertility and such. I don't know; I get in the mood to do stuff to improve myself, but then I sit back and think, "Why?" Why would I ever think it would help? Why do I start things and never finish? Why do I have no will power?

Shampoo issues

I should've just kept using Tressemme. But no. I had to try something new. I bought the Honey I'm Strong line from Herbal Essence and it made my hair feel like crap. Then I bought Head and Shoulders Smooth and Silky. After two uses there was significant build up. Ugh. So I went back to the store and got some Tressemme Deep Cleansing and washed my hair in the kitchen sink at 3 in the morning. I should've washed it twice because it's still gross. The pic is me using a paper clip to hold my greasy bangs back.

Doctor visit fun

I had to make an appointment with my doc to get refills. (Oh, apparently Prozac is an SSRI and I had no idea. I feel like a total moron.) Anyway, while I was there I mentioned all my joint pain. Right hand, right shoulder, left elbow. These really random places I'm getting "tendonitis". She asked who told me I had tendonitis; I said the doctor I normally see (she was a PA). She referred me to one of the orthopods that make visits to that office because he would be more knowledgeable. I was happy about that...until the appointment.

He was a nice guy, down to earth, funny...but he totally misunderstood the whole reason I was there. I was hoping to get referred for physical therapy to get exercises I could do that won't hurt me somehow. Instead, he showed me a few stretches and told me to do push ups off a wall. I mentioned my fibrous dysplasia (along with my fear of bone pain and fractures) and asked, "Do you know what that is?" because most people don't; the ER docs took four hours to figure it out. He said, "Yeah, exercise will help your flare ups." I didn't realize at that time (because I have a tendency to turn into a complete idiot when I'm at the doctor's) but he totally thought I said fibromyalgia, which is completely different.

I wish I could call the office up and be like, "Look, give Dr. What's-his-name a message: I said fibrous dysplasia not fibromyalgia, so give me the right treatment." And then I think, why should I have to quality check my doctor's decisions? Why should I have to keep calling around trying to find someone who knows what's wrong with me? It's very frustrating.

I'm on my seventh month of Clomid. Thinking about taking a break for a bit. Got some work things going on and it would be nice not to have to pluck my chin every other day. I also think I'm getting a bunch of cysts on my ovaries. I have pinching pains every once in a while in my abdomen and I feel constantly full down there...and no, it's not just my fat.

I don't know what to do exercise wise. Now my knees have been bothering me. They've always popped; all my life I could crack my knees. But now they feel unstable, there's grinding and other noises when I go down stairs. I've never been able to rest on my knees, it hurts too much. I've always thought my knee cap was too small. It's like the size of a quarter. I dunno. I'm scared to try to jog. Guess I could just go back to the treadmill, but everyone says that's bad for your knees, too. I think I'm just destined to be fat and out of shape forever. And it's a vicious cycle, because if I would lose weight, my knees would probably feel better. Oh well.