I'm pregnant...with fatness

I've decided: I'm pregnant with fatness and I think it's triplets.

I think I blogged before about how I don't realize how fat I am.  In my mind, I'm still the "kinda fat" girl I used to be...thirty pounds ago (that pic up there ^^^).  There have been some subtle hints, I suppose, to my fatness.  Such as,
1. The sudden need to unbutton my pants all the time
2. Suffocation by my own boobs when I tie my shoes
3. Louder footsteps
4. The inability to paint my toenails
5. The inability to reach my right arm across to my left side and vice versa

There are just some days where I feel huge and today is one of them.  I'm at work and have my pants undone.  (Thankfully, I'm the only one here).  Of course, it could be because all I've had to drink today is sugared pop and I just got done stuffing my face with Tastykakes and Sunchips.  Why do I eat like food is going out of style?

I actually think I have an answer for it.  My ex-husband never let me eat.  I was never given money for lunch or snacks when we went to work.  At family get-togethers, he never ate so I'd feel bad eating in front of him.  (Why didn't he eat?  Because he was a psycho).  I must've lost my mind and thought I was fat when I weighed in the 140-150 range and went on Weight Watchers.  He was very good at monitoring my points for me.

Now that I'm away from him, I think I eat because I was never allowed to when I was with him.  I think it's a psychologically rooted problem.  It would probably help things if I exercised, though.  I need to use my treadmill.  Even if just for the sake of Chris making fun of me all the time because I don't use it.  Maybe I'll walk for a half an hour or so tonight before I play WoW.

Ah, just remembered why I tend to not walk so much.  If I walk on that stupid thing (or anywhere, for that matter) for more than 30-45 minutes, my hips start to hurt.  Well, my hips, my knees, crap, even my shoulder will start to hurt.  Waa, waa, I'm such a baby.  That's what I tell myself in my head, but it doesn't stop the pain.

Wow, won't do that again

If anyone saw those last two posts, they were made from my phone...which I will not be doing again.  Totally messed up.

Anyway, I got my second rejection email about Kayla's Second Chance.  The publisher said that it didn't fit with their line of books, but it did fit in with their sister publishing company's...who isn't taking any new material right now.  Oh well.  I'm not discouraged yet.

An excerpt from Kayla's Second Chance

When we first hear about Lacey, one of the book's antagonists.  Kayla and Amy are at the mall, then it skips ahead to a night at the youth center.

     “I talked to Lacey the other day,” Amy reported while they browsed clothing racks at a popular store.  Kayla stopped dead in her tracks, letting a shirt on a hanger fall to the ground.  Even though they had been friends for years, Kayla had stopped talking to Lacey when they were 16.

     “You still talk to her?” Kayla squeaked.  Lacey wasn’t just a horrible friend to Kayla, she had also treated Amy like crap quite a few times.  Amy grinned sheepishly.

     “She called me out of the blue,” she explained.  “She told me about her ex-boyfriend and her new boyfriend and that she’s going to come back to our school.”  Kayla swallowed.

     “Are you joking?” she asked.  Amy slowly shook her head.

     There was more than one occasion where Lacey had been a sucky friend to Kayla the last year they spoke.  She would tell Kayla that she didn’t dress cute enough and that she need to flirt with guys more.  She would make them switch clothes if she was wearing something uncomfortable.  Lacey was like Celeste in that they both thought they were the hottest things on earth.  If Kayla and Lacey were at the mall together and got whistled at Lacey would say, “That guys just whistled at me!”  Any time anything like that would happen it was the same response.  “That guy was staring at me!  That guy was flirting with me.  That guy just honked at me!”  As if Kayla were invisible.

     Then the two had their first of many disagreements.  Both of them liked the same guy, so Kayla being a good friend was going to take it easy and not make any moves; if the guy asked her out she was going to make sure Lacey would be alright with it.  Well, the guy ended up asking Lacey out and Lacey said yes without even consulting Kayla and then couldn’t understand why Kayla was so angry.  Of course, the three of them would have to hang out together, even though Kayla still had feelings for the guy; she’d have to watch them cuddle and make out in front of her.

     While Lacey was still going out with that guy, Kayla began to like an older guy, Josh, that went to their youth group.  Since he was 20 and she was 16, he told Kayla that he would date her when she turned 18.  They remained friendly and flirty…until he started calling her Lacey sometimes.  Kayla didn’t think much of it at first; people often got her and Lacey confused.  But then Lacey (after making Kayla break up with her previously mentioned boyfriend over the phone for her) asked Kayla to hook her up with Josh.  That’s when Kayla had it.  She told Lacey that she couldn’t fix her up with someone that she liked herself and also let her know that she didn’t appreciate her going out with the other guy without making sure Kayla would be alright with it.  Lacey’s response was:

“He asked me out, not you.”  That was when Kayla stopped talking to her, the summer before 11^th grade.  She learned through mutual friends that Lacey had been calling Josh behind her back for months and had also been telling him lies about her.  Kayla stopped talking to Josh at that point as well and a few months later he had a new girlfriend (neither Kayla nor Lacey) who he had gotten pregnant.  That’s when Kayla realized that it was pointless to chase after guys.  If Josh had really liked her he would have not chatted with Lacey every night on the phone and wouldn’t have just forgotten her and knocked up some other chick.  The school year after that Lacey went to public school and Kayla was glad.

     Guys weren’t Kayla’s only problem with Lacey, either.  Lacey was down right selfish and everyone had to do what she wanted.  If Kayla ever needed something to eat and didn’t have money while they were out and about doing Lacey’s errands, she’d practically have to beg Lacey for something to eat.  And Lacey never let her forget that she loaned her money or bought her a meal.  The second she needed some cash she’d be calling Kayla up wanting it paid back, even if they hadn’t seen each other in months.

     Kayla believed that friends shouldn’t be like that.  Amy needed money sometimes to go bowling or out to eat and Kayla wouldn’t think twice about paying for her.  She would never keep a mental tally like Lacey did of how much Amy owed her.  Lacey was a bitch…and now Amy was claiming she’s coming back to the school…which did not happen five years ago.

***

    Amy’s dad pulled into the alley alongside the youth center.  Suddenly, Kayla’s stomach filled with butterflies.  She cursed at herself for it and hopped out of the car.  The girls thanked Amy’s dad and then walked inside.

     Instantly, Kayla’s mind was flooded with memories triggered by the smell of sweaty boys and pizza.  She had to blink her eyes a few times to adjust to the fluorescent lighting.  A small game of basketball was already going on and as Kayla and Amy stepped through the door they almost got beamed in the head with the ball.  The boys laughed and continued playing.

    “Jerks,” Kayla mumbled.  Along the right wall of the gym were seats that had been taken out of a church van for the teens to sit on.  Kayla and Amy threw their purses on an empty seat and looked around.  Kayla was in a state of shock.  Some of the people that were there had been friends with her years ago.  Of course, it wasn’t years ago to them, more like a couple of weeks probably.  What would she say to them if they talked to her?  A girl’s voice beckoned them towards the kitchen.

     “Hey guys!” a girl who Kayla recognized as Laurie greeted.  She leaned into the counter below the kitchen’s window.  Laurie must be on kitchen duty, Kayla thought.  “What’s up?”

     “Oh, you know,” Amy replied.  “School sucks.”

     “I know, I didn’t think junior high would be so different!”  Laurie frowned.

     “You’re in junior high?” Kayla asked, her voice strangely high.  Laurie giggled.

     “Duh, yeah Kayla!” she answered.  “I just started seventh grade.”  Kayla tried to keep her eyes from falling out of her head.  They had a seventh grader…in the kitchen…making food for people to consume!

     “Wow,” Kayla tried to chuckle.  “I feel old.”  The girls laughed and Amy jabbed Kayla in the ribs.

     “I have to pee,” she stated.

     “You want an award?” Kayla retorted.  Amy scowled and took Kayla’s arm, dragging her to the bathroom.

     “You need to get it together,” Amy cried after the door shut behind them.  “Everyone’s going to think you’re insane!”

     “Well, I feel insane!” Kayla cried back.  “Amy, I had crushes on half those guys out there.  That’s illegal!  I’m a freaking pedophile!”  Amy cracked a smile.

     “But you’re seventeen now, not twenty two,” she corrected.  “Plus, I thought they only called men pedophiles?”

     “Regardless, I still feel like a creep.  It would be like you having a crush on a ten year old.”  Amy scrunched up her nose.

     “Ew,” she agreed.  “But you’re stuck being seventeen, as far as you know.  Just try to act like a dumb high school girl.”  Kayla sighed and looked in the mirror next to the sink.  She’d had many a “dumb high school girl” conversation in that bathroom…

     “Josh was sitting so close to me!” Kayla gushed, checking her eye makeup in the mirror.

     “I know,” Lacey replied, redoing her poor excuse for a pony tail.  “Why don’t you just ask him out already?”

     “Because I’m way younger than he is,” Kayla answered.  “Plus, he said he’d date me when I turn eighteen.”

     “He flirts with you constantly.  You need to flirt back.”

     “What do you think I’m doing?”  Lacey scoffed.

     “You just talk to him, you don’t flirt.”  The girls left the bathroom.  In the middle of the basketball court was Amber, a regular ho at the youth center, hanging all over Josh.

     “See, that’s flirting,” Lacey stated.  Kayla’s stomach dropped.

     “I hate her,” she mumbled.  “She’s even younger than I am.”  Amber squealed and laughed as Josh flipped her over his arm swing dance style.

     As Kayla remembered that night, she couldn’t believe how stupid she had been.  Josh’s hitting on an even younger girl should’ve set an alarm off in her head.

     “Let’s go,” Amy said, opening the door.  “Why are you so worried about Lacey, anyway?  I mean, if you don’t like these guys anymore.”

     “It’s not just the fact that she took a guy that I liked,” Kayla explained.  “What made me mad was that she went behind my back, lied to me, lied to the guy about me, and then acted as if she did nothing wrong at all.”  The girls each grabbed a soda out of the vending machine and took a seat.  “You know, she never even apologized.”

     “Look, I doubt she’s even coming,” Amy said after a few more teens arrived and there was no sign of Lacey.  Kayla sighed.

     “You wait, Amy.  There’ll come a day that she screws you up the butt good and hard and I’ll be saying ‘told ya so’.”

      “Kayla, don’t be gross.”  Kayla laughed. 

Movies!

I got caught up on a few movies I'd wanted to see this past week.

First off, we watched Let Me In.  I liked it; Chris, not so much.  It was rather slow, so that was annoying, but I liked the story.

Next was Insidious.  Man, was that dumb.  If you were thinking about watching it, don't.  Save your money and time.  I mean, just....ugh.  Wow.

Then Chris made me watch The Exorcist on Netflix because I've never seen it.  Again: dumb.  I'm not sure how that movie became so popular.  Was it supposed to be scary?

Tonight we watched X-Men: First Class.  Wow.  Loved it.  I've always been a fan of the X-Men movies and this one was great.  Cameos by the "original" X-Men were a nice surprise.  I loved Magnito's theme music.

Well, just rearranged the modem/router because my parents are having trouble picking up the signal.  Now I'm running my computer on wireless because we don't have a wire long enough.  Well, we do, but it's attached to Chris' computer or the Xbox...which I unhooked.  I'm probably going to move it back as soon as Chris is done taking his nap.

Smell break, please?

I can't catch a smell break!  First, my house stinks like cat pee because the used furniture we got a while ago is permeating cat piss and nothing I did to get rid of it helped.  Now, the basement stench has filled the house, even though we have the dehumidifier running non-stop and I've been spraying Lysol down there twice a day.  I boiled some vinegar tonight to hopefully get rid of it.  I might have to wash everything cloth in the house because the musty smell has taken over everything.

Err..

Well, we did end up having water in our basement.  I called the landlord today and asked if he had a dehumidifier that we could use; he didn't, but he went out and bought one.  It's running right now; hopefully it'll take out the musty smell the basement has.  We might have to take the piece of carpet out that's down there; I'm afraid it's going to get mildewed.

I went for my second step TB test yesterday.  The nurse asked me if she should get an ice pack ready, 'cause of what happened last time, lol.  I told her, no, I'd be ok.  I just can't look at it.  It's so gross!  A gross bump under your skin....ew.

Everyone at work is finding out that I wrote a book.  I didn't want it to get out.  There's always a thousand questions: what's it about, who's it written for, is it a kids' book.  Kids' books.  Ha!  Anyone could write those...well, maybe not.  We had an assignment once in history class (I think, I can't remember too well) to write a historical children's story.  Then we had to trade papers with someone and critique their work.  I forget what mine was about, probably pilgrims or something.  The girl I traded with, however, wrote this semi-love story about Indians wherein the main guy character dies and she describes his blood spilling into a puddle of water.  I immediately handed it back to her like, "Um, Brandy...this is supposed to be for little kids."  She didn't see what the problem was.

I'm already planning a vacation for next summer.  Well, it won't really be a vacation; it'll be our honeymoon since Chris and I haven't had one yet.  I would really like to go to the beach, but Gatlinburg, TN sounds good, too.  I really enjoyed it when I was down there.

9/11

I guess I should post about 9/11.  It was actually only a few days after I started my first blog.  Here is what I wrote:

Tuesday, September 11, 2001

7:00 AM- I wake up to the sound of my alarm.  I had been in a pretty deep sleep and I felt good.  I didn't fall asleep until three that morning because my mind was racing.  (I was nervous about starting a new temporary job Derrick, a friend from the youth center, had gotten me.  It was doing house keeping at a hotel.)  Anyway, I got up quickly, dressed, and walked downstairs. My mom got out of the shower finally and let me use the bathroom. I put in my contacts, brushed my teeth, and thought about what the day would bring. I wondered what the people I would work with today would be like. I wondered if the hotel rooms would be really dirty. I shrugged to myself, finished up and then waited for Derrick to come pick me up.

 7:45 AM- Derrick comes right on time.  He (crazily) drives me to the staffing agency where he works and we meet up with Tonya, the other girl I’m going to be working with. We sit down and wait for him to do some stuff and then we're off. We get on the highway, listening to Derrick’s praise and worship CD, but then get off on the Tyrone exit because Derrick likes the scenic route. I think to myself that the scenic route will take longer, but oh well. We wind around tight curves and stare at the beautiful mountains that spread out before us. We joke around about the pigs and cows we see. For some reason, Derrick and Tonya think both animals are cute. Ew.  We drive past the stable where Derrick keeps his horse and he gets all excited. I look at the clock. 8:39. Derrick says he has to drive fast to get us there on time.  I look at the clock again after a while. 8:47. I can't stop looking at the clock for some reason.  We finally make it to State College and arrive at the hotel.

9:00 AM- Tonya and I are trying to find the person in charge of house keeping.  We finally find her and we settle in, have things explained to us, and then are assigned to Jane, who is going to train us.  Jane takes us to a closet, pulls out a cart and starts loading it with stuff. We get our little soaps, big soaps, tiny shampoos and such, and finally make our way to the third floor where all our rooms were.

9:30 AM- We're in our first room.  Tonya is cleaning the bathroom (bless her heart) and I'm dusting the furniture. A guy who works in laundry comes running down the hall. “Hey! Did you guys hear? Two planes just crashed into the World Trade Center! I don't believe it!” Jane swears and I stand in shock, dusting cloth in hand as Tonya rings out her sponge.  She wonders what we're talking about. I tell her, hardly able to comprehend it. What? What's going on? Two planes crashed? I don't understand.

10:00 AM- We're in our third or fourth room now.  Every room we go in, I turn on the TV to ABC. Jane sits on the bed and swears repeatedly as I try to put the fitted sheets on, shaking like crazy.  I can't believe what's going on! Jane leaves and Tonya is in the bathroom, so I'm all alone to listen to the voices drone on over the facts that I've already heard. Suddenly, the local people come on. What's that they're saying? I listen closer. “Another high-jacked plane has just crashed down 80 miles south of Pittsburgh...” I'm on the verge of tears. PITTSBURGH??!! No! No, no, no, no, no! That is WAY to close to me! I watch in horror as the cancellations go across the bottom of the screen.  Schools that I can name students from are closing early. Baseball, soccer, and football games are all being canceled...

Then, the news anchor says something that makes my stomach turn.  “A suspicious package has been reported being delivered to the Altoona post office.” I collapse onto the bed. Immediately I think of my old school. Do the kids there know? Do my friends know what's going on? Do they know the terror that has struck our wonderful country? Are they safe? I try to push the thought out of my mind, thinking why in the world someone would try to bomb Altoona.  (I would laugh, but it's no laughing matter)

I don't really remember the specific times after that. Every time I looked at the clock it seemed to be only seconds later.  Every time I turned on the news, they seemed to add something even more terrifying. I wanted to leave work. I couldn't concentrate. If I did a bad job, tough tacos.  How can you expect me to work when my country, my home, my FREEDOM is being attacked by terrorists? Especially when a plane just crashed hours away from me??!!

 3:00 PM- We finished off our last room to the sound of the news reporters' voices.  Walking to the State College branch of the staffing agency, Tonya and I laugh. How could we laugh, though? How could we possibly laugh while all those people are trapped?  I kept thinking about what it would feel like to be one of those people. To be trapped, hurt, and bleeding.  To not know what just happened.  To wonder if their family is ok.  To be praying so hard that help comes.

5:00 PM- Derrick is driving us home.  I'm silent most of the way, thinking still of the terrible events. Derrick and Tonya somehow can laugh and talk and joke around. I can't. I think of all my friends during this time.  Wondering how many of them know.  If they announced it in school.

6:05 PM- We finally arrive at my house.  Derrick comes in to talk to my brother. My mom asked strangely, “Have you been watching the news at all?” I answer, “Yes, all day,” then leave the room. I don't really feel like talking. Derrick stays a couple minutes to watch the news with us. We're looking at clips of another country that has been attacked by missiles, they think.  The news people talk about how they think it's the US retaliating. Derrick shakes his head, turns to me, and says, “Man, I'm going to get drafted.” I find that funny and I laugh for a second. Derrick then says he has to leave, I say bye, and then turn back to the TV. My dad is recording it. I figure I should write about it somewhere. I thought of my blog first. Unless the terrorists bomb the internet, my blog will always be here.

8:30 PM- President Bush comes on TV to talk.  His speech is wonderful and up lifting, while still mourning the tragedies.  My eyes brim with tears as he quotes Psalm 23:4.  “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”

Bad bone day

I made the mistake of resting my knee on my desk chair today and now it feels like it needs to crack constantly.  Very annoying.  My "purse shoulder" also hurt some today, I got a bit worried.  I can't switch purses again!  I still miss my pink one. :(

Got a notice in the mail that I missed my second step in the TB test for work.  I was hoping the lady there let me slide since I almost passed out after the last one, luls.  I guess not.  I'll have to get up early on Monday and go over to the main office and pass out again.  Ugh.  I almost made myself pass out just thinking about it the other night.

I was thinking about doing the whole self-publishing through Kindle thing, but I'm a little skeptical.  Will I be able to publish my book "for real" later?  I don't even own a Kindle, so I'd have to buy one to have a copy of my book.  And cover art?  Can you just randomly take pictures offline?  Like, those no fee ones or something? 

I'm rambling.  I'm listening to my YouTube playlist right now.  Lonely Island and Bad Lipreading...so I'm not really paying attention to the words I'm typing.  Ha!

Trail of electronics

I just realized that every night I end my day with a trail of electronics.  I get home and get on the computer.  After the computer, I watch a little TV.  Then, we move upstairs where we turn on the little TV and I get on my laptop.  Maybe it's because I'm delirious with tiredness, but it's amusing.

Ugh, I have a stomach ache again.  I think I drank too much pop today.  Today was a good day, though.  I kept busy and it's FRIDAY!

It has been raining nonstop here.  They closed down some roads because the flooding.  My parents actually said the road in front of where I work was flooded.  I wonder how long that's going to last.  I keep expecting to walk into my basement and see a foot of water.  That'd be scary.  The little box is down there.  The poor kitties would be pooping all over the house.

Wow, I'm tired.

Find a fairy for me

If I should die in my peaceful sleep
I don't want you to cry or especially weep, but
Find a fairy for me.

Please don't make a fuss, and for goodness' sake
I don't want a funeral or even a wake
Eat a berry for me.

Remember the good, forget the bad
Remember all the fun times we had
Paint a fairy for me.

Wear a pink top, draw a white kitty
Tell a complete stranger you think she's pretty
Pick a berry for me.

Remember my likes, my loves, hopefully
You will do the above in my memory and
Find a fairy for me.

Psych funniness

Burton 'Gus' Guster: I think all that writing gave me a ganglion cyst.
Shawn Spencer: You can't get a cyst from filling out paperwork.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: If the pen is wrong, you can. There's definitely some carpal bossing in there. We should see if they have some extra thumb splints lying around.
Shawn Spencer: You know what we should do? We should enroll you in some man classes.

Tendonitis

My tendonitis has really been bothering me lately.  I've really lost range of motion with my right hand. My shoulders have been bothering me, too; both of them, not just my right.  What is going on?

I would be on WoW playing my new DK I made, but I want to give my hands a break.  I feel like I'm typing through sludge or really heavy gloves. 

Again, seeing pictures of me, I'm surprised at how big I am.  In my head, I see myself WAY differently.  I think that's partly why I can't lose weight: it hasn't sunk in that I'm technically "obese" yet.

OMG, I can't do this.  My hands are too slow.

Class of 2001

I'm on the right.  Kali's on the left.  The picture looks like crap because my camera battery died and I had to use my Blackberry's camera.  Anyway, we were the class of 2001 at the reunion on Friday; half of our class!  Becka was there, too.

You can't even tell she's pregnant, that snot.  I look more pregnant than she does.  It was nice to see some of my classmates again.  There were a lot of kids there I didn't know, though.

No work until Tues!  I'm super tired right now, but I kinda don't want to go to sleep.  For the past couple weeks, every time I wake up, my neck and shoulders ache.  I feel stiff everywhere and swollen.  I don't know if it's because of the weather or...maybe I need a new pillow?

Busy week

I've been on some daylight hours this week, so not much time to sit around and read blogs.  =(  Tomorrow is the big high school reunion...so I gotta hurry up and lose 50 pounds by tomorrow night. <-- as I type that, I'm making plans to go down to the vending area and get a Mountain Dew and a candy bar, HA.  No, I have been trying to lose weight.  I've been trying to drink diet pop and not eat so much.  I don't have a scale, so I don't know if I'm making any progress.

This is the first night here at work by myself.  I might play some Pandora on my phone to pass the time.  I'm really tired, though.  Maybe I should get that Mountain Dew...