September 28, 2017. I took a pregnancy test because my period was late. It was positive. October 2, I made the announcement on Facebook. October 5, I had my first doctor's appointment and they scheduled my first ultrasound for the 18th. October 11, I spent a couple hours in the ER with bleeding and the doctor told me I'm probably having a miscarriage.
I hate to admit, but this whole pregnancy (all two and half weeks of it), I had a horrible feeling that something would go wrong. I held off on telling my students at Penn Highlands, which I'm thankful for now.
I thought since I had gone through the worst thing that could happen already (losing Matthew) that I was immune from anything else happening. And now, I'm my own worst enemy. I'm telling myself everything you're not supposed to say when someone has a miscarriage.
Did I jinx myself by announcing it so early? Was it because I kept thinking something would go wrong that something DID go wrong? At least I know I can get pregnant. At least I have Violet. At least it happened early on and not later. Was it something I did? Maybe I carried Violet too much. Maybe I didn't eat well enough. Maybe it's because I follow all kind of baby loss pages on Facebook. Was it because of my stomach surgery?
Obviously, I realize it has nothing to do with anything I did, but you can't help thinking that. I tortured myself with what I had done when we got Matthew's diagnosis, even though my doctors assured me it was just a fluke.
And I don't mind that I announced it early and now have to announce the sad news. Too often, miscarriages are taboo. No one talks about them, even though 1 in 4 woman have had one. I want others to know they're not alone. Just like I don't mind talking about my PCOS and fertility issues. Anytime I can raise awareness for these issues, I do.
I'm supposed to go to my OB/Gyn on Monday to get another HCG level drawn, but I might see if they'll let me get it done tomorrow sometime. My HCG levels should be doubling every 48-72 hours. Mine was only 183 last night at the ER and they couldn't see anything on the ultrasound.
